The Chicktionary Page 4

  Chip Clip, noun

  Officially known as a “jaw clip,” the chip clip is part tail fin, part bear trap. The chip clip clamps onto a wad of hair, gripping it in its spidery jaws and holding it securely as its high-profile “handle” towers above the hairdo like the topknot of an exotic bird. It is this portion of the chip clip that transmits style signals to others in the vicinity. Is your clip fancy (covered with glitter or sequins), wild (printed with zebra stripes or some other animal-skin pattern), or elegant (drawing a blank on that one)? More importantly, does it accentuate your feather earrings? Let’s hope so.

  Classic Pieces, noun

  Apparently, we’re all supposed to be wearing these, but what are they? Often modified with the words “timeless” and “elegant,” the concept also can appear in conjunction with the ominous phrase “investment piece.” Is this some kind of code? Should we be downloading an Audrey Hepburn app or something? As usual, the fashion industry gives us no clear guidelines. We know, for instance, that a white T-shirt is considered a classic piece, but does it matter which band’s album cover is on the front?

  Cleanser/Cleaner, noun

  Is it us? Has anyone else noticed the sly use of the word “cleanser” on cosmetic and skincare products? What’s up with that? You have to admit, it does sound a little nicer to say “facial cleanser.” Somehow the loss of that “s” turns the product’now “facial cleaner”’into something that would be more appropriately squirted onto your kitchen floor (which could use a good scrubbing, by the way) by a steam-spewing machine that you rented at the supermarket. But are we so impressionable that the tossing in of a little extra sibilance (real word!) is enough to upgrade a product from countertops to countenance? Why, yes. Yes, we are.

  Clitoris, noun

  The original “Like” button, a woman’s clitoris is the most powerful trigger point for orgasm and is comparable to the flashing red launch button that’s kept under a special flip-up plastic cover in many action movies. And, like that cinematic button, a short list of qualified individuals have unlimited access to it. Comprised of approximately 4.2 bajillion nerves, all of which go directly to the Happiest Place on Earth, the clitoris is not to be trifled with unless, of course, you happen to enjoy a good trifling. (Many ladies do.)

  Closure, noun

  A Zen-like state that is achieved once a breakup has been completely processed and every potentially romantic inclination you have toward your ex has been tracked and exterminated (see also: hatred and retribution). The last stop on the breakup journey, closure is marked by notably mild reactions to news about developments in the ex’s life. For instance, post-closure responses to the revelation that your ex is seeing someone new might include, “That’s nice,” and “Good for him,” in contrast to your recent pre-closure responses of performing four straight hours of Katy Perry karaoke on your apartment balcony and super-gluing a toilet seat onto the hood of your ex’s truck.

  Clothing Sizes, noun

  Women’s clothing sizes are assigned based on several different and arbitrary “systems.” These systems may include the use of a dartboard, the firing of ping-pong balls across the designer’s office into numbered buckets, or repeated flicking of a board-game spinner (see also: Twister). It’s common knowledge that if you’re a two at Banana Republic, you’re a fourteen at Tory Burch. And yet… women find it virtually impossible to break free from the mental shackles of the size number. It vexes. It taunts. In retaliation, a woman is urged to disregard number sizes and give them no respect at all, but rather measure her attractiveness and self-worth against things that really matter, such as what kind of phone or car she owns.

  Cocktail Ring, noun

  First gaining popularity in the age of Prohibition, cocktail rings are typically dramatic in both size and design. Loaded with supersized style, the cocktail ring sends the message that its wearer knows a thing or two about a thing or two, including how to mix the perfect kir royale, which furrier in town can be trusted, and how to get the best-looking man in the room to light her cigarette without really trying. Available in a multitude of designs and price levels, the cocktail ring is one of those accessories that, regardless of price, will instantly have you trawling eBay for a cigarette holder and wondering where you left your vintage fox stole.

  Color Analysis, noun

  Also known as color seasons, this baffling system of skin and hair tone classification attempts to slot every woman into one of four color categories named for the four seasons and, by the way, is so complex that it would drive Albert Einstein to the crack pipe within five minutes. Warm? Cool? What? Geez, we just want to know if this lemon yellow T-shirt with the embellished teddy bear looks good on us or not, all right? Frankly, we are highly suspect of someone who pronounces that we are “a spring,” and anyone who does so risks swift retaliation.

  Combover, noun

  A universally mocked and despised men’s “hairstyle” that results when a man attempts to camouflage an area of baldness by growing his remaining hair to an extreme length and then plastering it across the thinning area. The result of this exercise is a repellent, unnatural effect that resembles a badly sodded lawn. The combover could be somewhat justified decades ago, but times have changed and baldness has been embraced as a perfectly acceptable and even preferable style choice among men throughout the sports and entertainment worlds. If this societal trend continues on its present course, researchers predict that the last combover in captivity will become extinct by the year 2025.

  Comfort Food, noun

  Any category of food or food item that you consume with the intent of improving your mood or outlook on life. People often turn to comfort food when they are facing an emotional challenge such as a breakup, family crisis, or professional setback. Although it is generally believed that male comfort foods are hearty and substantial (casseroles, steaks) and female comfort foods tend toward sweet snacks (ice cream, chocolate), compelling evidence exists that, given the right circumstances, no one would kick a bag of pork rinds out of bed. There are also those who apply a more liberal definition of the term that embraces anything in the frickin’ house, including last spring’s Easter-basket dregs and earthquake/civil unrest supplies.

  Commando, adjective

  Most often used in the phrase “going commando,” commando refers to the state of not wearing underwear. Most likely a derivative of various military terms that describe the practice of not wearing underwear under the uniform for the benefits of enhanced ventilation and reduced abrasion, enthusiasts claim the commando lifestyle to be superior in noncombat situations as well, citing, among other factors, a heightened sense of naughtiness. Additionally, going commando offers females the feature of completely eliminating any chance of the universally disparaged effect known as “visible panty lines” (see also: panty lines).

  Condom, noun

  Commonly known as a rubber, love glove, or world’s tightest knee sock, the condom is an extremely popular form of birth control that performs several critical functions. First, the condom prevents pregnancy. Second, it helps prevent the spread of sexually transmitted diseases (STDs). Third, and perhaps most important, the use of a condom introduces the concept of the “mandatory time-out” into the lovemaking ritual, during which the man has the opportunity to show off his fumbling skills while serenading his waiting partner with erotic wrapper-ripping sounds. Also, some condoms come with little built-in speed bumps for your pleasure. You’re welcome.

  Continental Shelf, noun

  The flesh platform created across a woman’s chest when she has a spectacularly large bosom. Named for the edge of a continent that may or may not be underwater, this practical and nonderogatory term is used by females and is reserved for women whose chests are of a scale that presents specific wardrobe challenges. For instance, a particularly endowed woman might say while shopping, “I like this beach cover-up, but it does not adequately accommodate the continental shelf.” For your information, under United Nations treaty, one’s c
ontinental shelf is classified as territorial waters and will be defended as such.

  Cottage Cheese, noun

  1. A colloquialism for cellulite (see also: cellulite) that refers to the dimpled appearance caused by this reviled skin condition. 2. A tasty, guilt-free food that can accompany most any meal and whose taste can be enhanced by pairing it with a variety of fruits or garnishes. Unfortunately, cottage cheese’s image has been almost irretrievably sullied by its association with the dreaded skin condition of cellulite. As a result, some days it’s all it can do to come out of its little plastic tub, even if the sun is shining.

  Cougar, noun

  The cougar is a woman, typically thirty-five and older, who actively seeks men twenty-five and younger as sexual partners. Famously noncommittal, the cougar enjoys the sport of sexual role-reversal, savoring her place as the huntress as she stalks her firm, young, and occasionally clueless prey in clubs, supermarkets, and sporting events. Intrinsic to the cougar concept is the notion that she is attractive, has taken excellent care of herself, is supremely confident and independent, and has become bored with her male peers and their baggage, ailments, and hang-ups. Elusive and strategic as her namesake, the cougar identifies her prey and strikes at her leisure. You do not find the cougar; the cougar finds you (or, more accurately, your hot brother).

  Cougar Lift, noun

  Plastic surgery undertaken by a woman specifically for the purposes of attracting younger men. This term is derived from the slang term “cougar” (see also: cougar), which refers to an attractive, middle-aged woman who is exclusively interested in pursuing younger men as sexual partners. The cougar takes excellent care of herself and is intent on retaining a youthful appearance… all over. When the time comes to incorporate plastic surgery into the maintenance regimen, she does so with an eye not toward the country club but toward the bedroom, selecting breast enhancement and buttock implants along with the typical facial fillers.

  Couples Shower, noun

  The couples shower can occur in connection with either an upcoming wedding or birth and is generally viewed as an attempt to “fold the men into the fun” no matter how vehemently the men try to convince the women that their idea of “fun” is not having to go to showers. The injection of male presence into the shower dynamic often takes the form of heckling, particularly during the gift-opening portion of the festivities. As the honored couple unwraps presents, male guests’especially those who are already married or have become parents’will attempt to enlighten their less-experienced counterparts by shouting well-meaning warnings such as, “It’s over, dude!” (wedding shower) or “Kiss sleep goodbye, chump!” (baby shower).

  Coupon, noun

  A highly effective marketing device that creates a powerful intersection of three concepts statistically proven to appeal to women: shopping (the motivation to purchase something), saving (the perception that said purchase exhibits financial shrewdness), and crafting (the activity of physically cutting out the coupon). Couponing can also activate a woman’s organizational pleasure center through the use of a specialized (and, ideally, alphabetized) holder or sorter in which to tote the coupons to the store. The ritual of couponing is reinforced at the checkout stand when, if no coupons are presented in response to the request, the woman receives a small, shaming shake of the head and the silent reproach of the others in line behind her.

  Couture, noun

  This word is shorthand for the phrase “haute couture,” which is French for “Who frickin’ wears this stuff?” Famous for supreme drama and impracticality, a designer’s couture collection is targeted to the extremely rarified demographic of women who barf money and can afford to hire people who will tell them that their $47,000 feather culottes look way better than those being worn by anyone else at the yacht club.

  Crafts, noun

  Any of a wide variety of typically homespun creative endeavors (quilting, macrame, pottery making, and needlepoint are just a few examples), the prospect of which seems to have one of two distinct effects on most women: 1) they are drawn to the activity, curious about the required skills and supplies, and eager to express themselves through a new medium, or 2) they find the very notion of crafting and all that it implies repulsive and will remove themselves from the vicinity of a real or perceived crafts threat by any means necessary including sawing off their own arms.

  Cramps, noun

  Cramps are your body’s way of saying, “Sisterhood, schmisterhood’I own your ass.” Cramps can be described as a series of abdominal pains that range from a dull ache to the sensation of being repeatedly flayed with barbeque tongs, with accompanying levels of discomfort starting at “meh” and maxing out somewhere near “MOTHER

  AIYEOWOWOW!” Cramps can strike at any time prior to, during, or after your monthly period (see also: Aunt Flo, Festival of Menses). It is interesting to note that if you track your cramps and determine the monthly point at which the discomfort is greatest, you can be assured that your body will behave entirely differently the following month. Popular remedies for cramps include over-the-counter painkillers, application of a heating pad on your abdomen, and leaving work for the day so at least you don’t have to have cramps and listen to your idiot boss.

  Crimping Iron, noun

  A specialized hair appliance that consists of two interlocking, wavy metal plates that are electrically heated to volcanic temperatures and then applied to a section of hair in a “munching” action that captures the hair between the plates and temporarily sears artificial waves into it. Although many styling devices aim to create an effect that appears to have happened naturally, the crimping iron makes no apology for the decidedly unnatural result that comes from its use. It is safe to say that the tightly rippled and often Sphinx-like styles created through crimping iron use could be described as a “look.”

  Crows’ Feet, noun

  Any of the variety of crinkly, V-shaped creases that form around your eyes when you laugh or smile or, in later years, when you think or breathe. Named for the fact that the little lines give the appearance that a flock of birds just danced the Macarena across your face, crows’ feet can be exceedingly difficult to eradicate once they’ve landed. Although topical creams such as Retin-A and mechanical processes such as microdermabrasion can help de-emphasize the appearance of crows’ feet, many women feel that the best method for stopping these little birdies in their tracks is to immobilize the muscles underneath that allow the skin to crinkle (see also: Botox). Those uncomfortable with the concept of facial injections may undertake the mental conditioning required to rid one’s face of all muscular emotional response, which, incidentally, also rids one’s social calendar of all upcoming engagements.

  Cujo Syndrome, noun

  Named for the rabid St. Bernard in the popular movie based on Stephen King’s novel of the same name, the Cujo syndrome describes the chronic affliction of having lipstick smeared across one’s teeth. This unfortunate condition’with its accompanying startling appearance’happens to all lipstick-wearing women at one time or another, but we all know someone for whom it seems to be a default setting. Why is this? Is it their brand of lipstick? Are they too aggressive in their application? Are they overly toothy? Under lippy? Do they not know the lipstick trick (see also: lipstick trick)? And what’s the etiquette in this situation? Do we inform them that they appear to have just devoured a small animal or let them discover the gruesome truth for themselves when they glance in their rearview mirrors?

  Culottes, noun

  A word of French descent that stands for a skirt that has morphed into an awkward skirt/pants hybrid but is not a skort (see also: skort). Neither long nor short, neither pants nor skirt, culottes are, however, unwaveringly unattractive. Not to be confused with gaucho pants (see also: gaucho pants), that storied, swinging garment whose fierce, South American heritage is rekindled with every swirling mid-calf step, culottes stake out the anemic, knee-length middle ground and leave observers with the unsettling impression that the woman in qu
estion is, inexplicably, wearing a separate skirt on each leg.

  Cunnilingus, noun

  Fancy Roman word for oral sex involving the rhythmic, repetitive application of one’s mouth and tongue against, into, onto, upon, around, about, and, if you’re really motivated, through a woman’s genitals. If performed with even a modicum of skill, cunnilingus will produce a typical reaction that falls somewhere between a grand mal seizure and being called up onstage at a Bon Jovi concert. Poorly executed cunnilingus, however, will result in a pitying tap on the provider’s shoulder and an unsmiling, “Let’s move on.”

  Curling Iron, noun

  A hairstyling implement that includes a metal tube of varying diameter and an attached metal clamp, both of which, when plugged into an electrical outlet, become hotter than the earth’s liquid-lava core. After the curling iron is heated (which should take anywhere from four seconds to thirty minutes), a section of hair is inserted into the clamp, wrapped around the barrel of the iron numerous times, and then flash-baked. Once ejected, the piece of hair releases a small puff of smoke and falls limply into its previous position where it loses its curl within five to seven minutes yet retains the asymmetrical bend-marks of the curling iron’s metal shaft.

  D

  Daddy Issues, noun

  A term of either disapproval or concern, commonly used in reference to a woman who is in a relationship with a man significantly older than herself. Although comments pertaining to daddy issues may sound surprisingly similar, the trained ear can distinguish the critical nuances in inflection that differentiate “Oh, dear, that poor girl is struggling with daddy issues,” from “Man, does she have some daddy issues!” Even more difficult to discern is the additional category of comments that indicate an odd form of sibling rivalry in which a female onlooker will wonder why that daddy is not paying more attention to her.