The Chicktionary Page 5

  Dame, noun

  1. An archaic term for an adult female that, when used by a male, could be intended as either a neutral synonym for woman or a disparaging commentary on said woman. Popular beginning in the thirties, the word dame was often preceded by the phrase “high-class” and carried a connotation of civility that, in the galaxy of female labels, ranked it slightly higher than the coarser “broad.” Despite this, most women objected to this label, with the exception of, well, dames and broads. 2. A fancy-pants British title for women that is the equivalent of knighthood.

  Date, noun

  1. A two-person social engagement that carries romantic overtones, although these can vary significantly among different couples as well as between the two members of the couple on said date (the latter type of which often explains the premature abandonment of a date). Date is a broad term that can encompass very loose and casual meet-ups as well as more formal outings that include a detailed grooming countdown, the presentation of small gifts or flowers, and elaborate car door-opening ceremonies. 2. A commercial assignation with a professional sex worker, as referenced in the inquiry, “Hey, handsome, wanna date?”

  Deflower, verb

  A term for taking away a female’s virginity (see also: virgin, precious flower). Deflower has a broad meaning that includes all aspects of the loss of virginity, including coarse and aggressive circumstances as well as more civilized encounters that feature deep-fried appetizers, an amusing romantic comedy at the local multiplex, and a chilled sixer of pretentious microbrew. It is theorized that the term’s floral reference came about based on an observation that the undisturbed membrane of skin covering the entrance to the vagina (see also: hymen) resembles a flower. Interestingly, you never hear the surgical process of reconstituting the hymen (see also: revirginization) referred to as “reflowering.”

  Denim Rage, noun

  Seething and/or outbursts of anger caused by wearing uncomfortably tight jeans. Statistics indicate that 94 percent of all denim rage-related incidents are caused by the so-called “denim denial effect,” which occurs when a woman puts on her jeans in the morning, notes that they are uncomfortably tight, but decides to wear them anyway, convincing herself that they will become more comfortable as the day progresses even though she knows for a fact that the opposite trend will occur. Denim rage can strike at any time, but tends to be particularly severe after lunch. Denim rage is often mistaken for having a jackass for a boss, as both conditions provoke similar symptoms.

  Dental Dam, noun

  An incredibly sexy sheet of medical-grade latex that is plastered across your mouth and cheeks during oral surgery to isolate the target tooth or teeth while also preventing items such as dental instruments, cell phones, and eyeglasses from accidentally falling into your mouth during the procedure. But, wait, it gets sexier. The dental dam can also be used as a barrier during cunnilingus or analingus to protect against the transmission of STDs and, presumably, also help prevent items such as cell phones, eyeglasses, and party hats from falling into your… well, you get the picture.

  Depilatory, noun

  A term that evokes a harrowing surgical procedure or something really dirty that happens behind a closed bathroom door, a depilatory falls somewhere in between and is, in fact, a chemical solution that removes hair from the skin. Timing is key in using a depilatory; if it is not left on long enough, the chemicals do not have adequate time to break down the hairs and the removal will be unsuccessful. In contrast, if the user becomes lulled by the old egg/dog vomit fragrance emitted by the depilatory solution and leaves it on the skin past the recommended time, it can cause redness and irritation, which most agree is pretty much as unattractive as the fuzz, especially if it occurs on the upper lip.

  Dewy, adjective

  The supposedly desired appearance of a woman’s complexion. Although it is counterintuitive that you would want your face to look moist all the time, the word dewy is a popular one in cosmetics advertising. Do you want your skin to glow? Sure. How about freshness (see also: freshness)? Okay. The notion of walking around with one’s face covered with a sheen of dew, however, simply takes it too far. Although we can make the connection, albeit a tenuous one, between the concepts of dew and youthfulness, we don’t know a single woman whose goal it is to give her face the appearance of a ten-speed that’s been left out in the yard all night.

  Diet, noun

  A rigid nutritional program designed with the intent of sucking every residue of joy from the process of taking sustenance into your body. Diets have been designed around virtually every aspect of humans and their foods, including blood types, sleep cycles, ethnicity, carb content, fat content, food color, food group, and the type of preparation applied to the food, if any. Whether the purpose of the diet is weight loss, weight maintenance, management of a health condition such as diabetes, or specialized preparation for an athletic event, it can be said with certainty that Cheetos are not on the menu. Not that we’re bitter or anything.

  Dildo, noun

  It’s only a slight exaggeration to say that the dildo’s defining characteristics are that it: 1) has been around forever, 2) is available in every material imaginable from mahogany to crystal to jelly rubber, 3) may light up, vibrate, or sing the national anthem, 4) is ideally shaped to slip cheerfully into any orifice that crosses its path, and 5) bears some sort of resemblance to a penis. Or not. Add to that the fact that the praises of this instrument of sexual pleasure have been sung in the works of Aristophanes, Shakespeare, and, more recently, the band Dildo Warheads, and you may conclude that, as humans continue to push outward in their exploration of space, the object that might best be left behind as a planetary calling card of the species is everyone’s cylindrical (or not) friend: the dildo.

  Diva, noun

  Derived from the Italian word diva, meaning female deity, the term was originally applied to female opera singers of outstanding talent and notoriously high-maintenance personalities. As the decades passed, the term began to be applied more broadly to singers beyond the opera world (e.g., Diana Ross and Barbra Streisand) but retained its association with the notion of a demanding prima donna. In recent years, however, the diva label has moved out of its original rarified environment and into common usage with the emergence of such titles as “shoe diva” and “crafts diva,” which we assume is someone who demands that a case of Evian and a crystal bowl filled with yellow M&Ms only be placed next to her sewing table.

  Does This Make Me Look Fat?, phrase

  A seemingly straightforward yet treacherous question that requires different responses depending on the gender of the person to whom it is addressed. When asked of a male, the reply must be a swift and emphatic, “No!” Ideally, this will be followed immediately with glowing modifiers such as, “You look hot!” and “Are you kidding? You need to gain a few pounds, hon!” When asked of a female, an honest response is acceptable, provided it is couched in camouflage comments that blame the unflattering appearance on the hateful designer, lousy dressing room lighting, and/or cheap construction of the offending garment.

  Domestic Engineer, noun

  The official term for a person (typically a female) who serves as

  facilities/plant manager of a domicile. This individual’s areas of expertise include germ eradication, wardrobe maintenance, appliance repair, urban forestry, small animal husbandry, and culinary management. Depending on the particular household, the domestic engineer’s responsibilities may also include preschool education, behavior modification, clinical psychological intervention, and anger management strategies. Studies have shown that the person ideally prepared for optimum service as a domestic engineer will have accrued extensive professional experience in the disciplines of electrical and structural engineering, crisis counseling, emergency medical services, community theater, and law enforcement.

  Double Date, noun

  A socio-romantic outing embarked upon by two pairs of people ostensibly for the purposes of maximizing the “fun,”
but often actually arranged in order to offer social support to more introverted couple members, to allow for team excursions to the ladies’ room (see also: ladies’ room) for exchange of vital information, or to give the more established of the couples an opportunity to model their adorable dating behaviors in a manner that encourages the “newbie” couple to emulate them. It is worth noting that although double dating provides a number of useful benefits, it also creates opportunities for so-called “comparison shopping,” the results of which may not be in the best interests of all involved parties.

  Douche, noun

  1. A slang term, often lengthened to the more formal “douche bag,” that describes an extremely self-obsessed male who acts like a jerk in order to appear cool. 2. A feminine hygiene implement. In its archaic form, the douche was comprised of a rubber pouch and tubing that, left in your shower, gave your bathroom the ambiance of Frankenstein’s lab. The modern, streamlined douche, however, comes in a box with pretty flowers on it and looks like something you’d find clipped to Lance Armstrong’s racing bike.

  Dressing Room, noun

  A cramped pocket of space within whose bounds the laws of physics have no relevance. Known for its malfunctioning door latch, liberal scattering of straight pins, and ghoulish lighting, the dressing room can disorient even the most stable and secure of women, striking doubt into all who cross its threshold. The key component of the dressing room is its warped funhouse mirror, specially designed to inflate your dimensions from all angles while applying a sallow, rippling effect across every inch of exposed skin. Optional features include a doorway curtain that is six inches too narrow to give you any privacy and a community three-way mirror in the dressing room hallway that encourages total strangers to weigh in on your clothing purchases.

  Dude Biffle, noun

  A variation of BFFL (best friend for life), the dude biffle is the male version of the female biffle. Filling the gap between the female friend and the GMF (see also: gay male friend), the dude biffle is someone who, regardless of attractiveness or availability, is never given romantic consideration but rather bypasses any sexual tensions and lands directly in the best friend category. The dude biffle is destined to remain a terminal nonromantic best friend unless you happen to be living in a romantic comedy, in which case you can expect there to be some kind of event that makes you suddenly look at him in a whole new light and wonder how you overlooked that you were in love with him, at which point he will announce that he’s marrying your female biffle and high jinks follow to the accompaniment of a hit single—packed soundtrack.

  E

  Easy, adjective

  The opposite of playing hard-to-get (see also: hard-to-get), easy takes up where overeager (see also: overeager) leaves off. This quaint term implies that a women does not have what might be regarded as the most rigorous screening process when it comes to selecting the recipients of her physical affections. On the contrary, the easy woman’s policy might be more accurately described as “no one will be turned away.” Charitable to a fault, this woman has a modus operandi that can, sadly, do considerable damage to her reputation over time. On the other hand, it just might get her a hit reality show, so who are we to judge?

  Elevens, noun

  Why do so many lousy things come in pairs? Uncomfortable shoes, mom jeans (see also: mom jeans), your annoying twin cousins, and now this: the two vertical creases between your eyebrows that have proven themselves impervious to the fifty-gallon drum of skin elixir you bought at the department store cosmetics counter. Plastic surgeons call them “elevens” because of their obvious resemblance to the number, but as far as you’re concerned, those digits are 666. You’re not sure when exactly they settled in, but you’re certain you’re not old enough to have those things and you know you don’t scowl that much, so what the hell?

  Elope, verb

  To elope is to take a pass on the expense, time-consumption, and potential familial complications of a wedding and, instead, simply run away and tie the knot somewhere else, often without telling anyone you’re going to do it. Although many people who have never been married can’t imagine not experiencing the all trappings of a “real” wedding, it’s safe to say that many married folks would’given the opportunity for a re-do’throw the suitcases in the car before you could say “Las Vegas.” The notion of elopement also carries with it the sense that the wedding may be of a spontaneous nature or that there may be parties close to the couple who are very much against the union. As it can be difficult to convince people to spend thousands of dollars celebrating something they feel is the stupidest decision you’ve ever made, elopement often emerges as an ideal choice under these circumstances.

  Engagement Ring, noun

  The romantic, symbolic piece of jewelry that typically accompanies a marriage proposal and is donned by the bride-to-be upon her acceptance of said proposal. Most engagement rings feature a diamond solitaire, the most important qualities of which are color, cut, clarity, carat weight, and whether it’s significantly better than all your friends’ rings. Whereas the “four Cs” of diamond valuation have been attested to by gemologists and fall into clear-cut categories, the friend-competition scale is more open to interpretation and ranges from, “Aw, what a sweet ring,” (a one on the scale) to, “I never liked her anyway” (a resounding ten).

  Espadrilles, noun

  Shoes of French origin recognizable by their being assembled from canvas, rope, and other parts of a sailboat. Known for their formidable fantasy-inducing powers, espadrilles can transport even the

  most beaten-down Milwaukee office worker to a quaint Paris side

  street, where she finds herself doing something impossibly chic, like

  wearing the perfect white blouse while peddling a bicycle whose

  basket is full of those pointy bread loaves. Note: espadrilles should not be paired with a beret because, let’s face it, a little French goes

  a long way.

  Ethnic Joyride, noun

  The practice of becoming involved with a man whose primary attraction’whether you realize it or not’is that he has a different ethnic or cultural background than you. For those who view life as a buffet, a day may come when you bypass your habitual, reliable Caesar salad and instead find yourself sticking your tongs into the bowl marked “Deviled Krab.” Perhaps the last Caesar you had seemed a little routine, even with the additional scoop of croutons. Or perhaps this is the first time you’ve noticed the deviled krab’s fluorescent sheen, its exotic texture, its essential un-Caesarness. What would it be like to be someone who goes for the deviled krab? And why have you gone this long without finding out?

  Everyone Teased Me for Being So Skinny, phrase

  One of two ubiquitous sound bites (see also: I was called ugly duckling in high school) regularly attributed to supermodels and sex-

  symbol actresses in order to make them sound more like average people. No doubt, this is a highly effective strategy and one that paints these women in a sympathetic light. After all, who would not be moved by the story of a young, aspiring spokesmodel who triumphs after years of being subjected by beastly classmates to scorching epithets such as “Leany” and “Slender-Face?”

  Exfoliation, noun

  Any procedure that mechanically scrubs or scrapes off dead skin cells, revealing supposedly “newer, fresher” skin underneath. There are many home methods of exfoliation, including granulated scrubs and creams, loofahs, pumice stones, and (shudder) metallic scraping devices. At the professional level, exfoliation can be a full sensory experience that includes sprinkles of sea salt or crushed nuts, mood-enhancing aromatic oils, and the haunting tones of the pan flute. It is worth noting that the physical experience of a thorough exfoliation can range from an invigorating buffing to the sensation of being pushed from a moving car onto the floor of the Mojave Desert.

  Eyelash Curler, noun

  A device that looks like it should be sitting on a sterilized tray in a lobotomy lab somewhere in Transylvania, b
ut is actually an ingenious and only mildly terrifying tool found in most women’s bathrooms or cosmetic bags. If done correctly, the process of curling one’s eyelashes results in a pleasing “opening” of the eyes that can be quite dramatic. If done incorrectly, a different kind of drama results’the kind that comes from neglecting to release the eyelashes before pulling the curler away from the face, at which point you panic and your hand clenches up, making it even more difficult to let go, and now your eyelid is way out in front of you like a patio awning and the very real possibility exists that your eyeball is going to dry up, which is a much bigger problem than having stick-straight eyelashes.

  F

  Face, noun

  A shorthand term that stands for a woman’s daily cleansing and cosmetic regimen that she undertakes before going out in public, often referred to as “putting on one’s face.” The components of this regimen vary significantly from woman to woman, depending on a number of factors including age, personal style, the manner in which she was raised, and the part of the country in which she lives. For instance, the “face” of a twenty-year-old woman living in Malibu might consist of nothing more than a quick cleansing and an application of sunscreen, whereas the “face” of a fifty-five-year old woman in Dallas might require sixty minutes, two dozen different products, and an airbrush machine. In short: your face, your rules.

  Facelift, noun

  A broad term that describes any surgical procedure whose goal is to give an overall “lift” or “freshening” to the face by counteracting the effects of gravity over time. As surgery methods have become more advanced, the process of a facelift has become less invasive, so that the term can now be used to include a facial rejuvenation done solely through injection’the so-called “liquid facelift.” Regardless of the method, the end result of the facelift project’as with any other remodel’depends solely on the skill of the contractor you hire for the job. The downsides of an unsuccessful facial remodel can leave observers wondering if your perpetually startled expression is a result of the bill you received for the surgery or the realization that you don’t look anything like yourself anymore.