The Chicktionary Page 3

  Brazilian Wax, noun

  Introduced in New York in 1987, the Brazilian bikini wax (see also: the Hollywood, the Sphinx, and the full Monty) is somewhat misunderstood in that it is not necessarily defined by the removal of all pubic hair, but rather the removal of all pubic hair around the labia and further back, including a thorough denuding of the area known to estheticians as “the basement.” In other words, contrary to popular belief, you can have a Brazilian and keep a small doormat on your front porch, but everything on the back porch has got to go.

  Breakup, noun

  The dissolution of a romantic relationship that results in a variety of emotional reactions ranging from devastation to glee. There are two kinds of breakups: 1) those initiated by him, and 2) those initiated by you. Both kinds of breakups are his fault, and anyone who doesn’t get that obviously hasn’t been reading your blog. Some people claim there is a third category of breakup’the so-called “mutual” breakup’but those of us who have been around the block more than once know that this mythical concept should be filed under “U” for “Unicorn” (see also: remaining friends, hatred and retribution).

  Breast Implants, noun

  Prostheses that are surgically inserted for the purposes of breast reconstruction or aesthetic enhancement. Breast implants consist of pillow-like bladders of silicone, saline, or other alternative fillers that are positioned within the layers of breast and muscle tissue based on a woman’s specific body structure and requirements. With respect to reconstruction, advancements in implant technology and surgery have been an immeasurable help to women recovering from mastectomies and similar surgeries. On the aesthetic enhancement side, the proliferation of implant surgeries for cosmetic enhancement have spawned an entirely new category of social debate as both men and women attempt to distinguish natural breasts from those that have been augmented.

  Brick House, noun

  1. A woman who is judged to be voluptuous, “stacked,” or otherwise aggressively curvaceous. Variant of the term “brick shithouse,” the use of this description implies a well-built sturdiness that might not sound terribly complimentary but is widely regarded as such. 2. Title of the Commodores’ hit song from their eponymous 1977 album and arguably one of the best funk songs of all time. In fact, it has been proven in international studies that if you can stand completely still while listening to “Brick House,” you are clinically dead and/or a big party buzzkill.

  Bridal Gown, noun

  It is impossible to overstate the expectations that are loaded onto this typically white garment. The bridal gown is called upon to make you look chic but approachable, hot but loyal, slim but never skeletal, sexy but with motherhood potential, au courant but classic, playful but substantial, and on and on. Then you have to consider your wedding theme (Renaissance? Evening in Paris? Enviro-friendly? Beer?) and somehow mash your gown into that category as well. When all of these factors (and many, many more) are taken into account, it suddenly becomes clear why you can’t walk two feet in a bridal store without tripping over a box of tissues.

  Bridal Headpiece, noun

  The opportunities for fashion missteps when selecting the bridal gown are miniscule when compared to those that must be navigated on the bumpy road to a headpiece. Apparently there’s something about things that go on your head that makes even the most down-to-earth bride decide the time has come to let her fashion freak flag fly. Since when does your sister the metalhead like pillbox hats with veils? Who knew your best friend had an Isis complex? And why is your normally level-headed business partner swooning over the organza headband attached to a silk flower/feather meteor the size of a trash can lid?

  Bridesmaid, noun

  Dependable foot soldier of the bridal army and under the command of both bride and maid of honor, the bridesmaid is one of the unsung heroes of Operation Wedding. (And, no, those faux-pearl earrings that you cheaped out on’the ones whose “steel” posts corroded everyone’s ears within a week’do not come close to repaying your bridesmaids for putting up with your diva antics.) Much like

  a devoted golden retriever, the bridesmaid allows you to dress her

  up funny, send her to fetch things, and make her listen to you blab on for hours while remaining a loyal, good-natured companion to the end.

  Bridesmaid’s Dress, noun

  The garment chosen by the bride for the bridesmaids to wear in the wedding ceremony with, some posit, the specific intent of making the bridesmaids look like frumpy, misshapen washouts (see also: butt bow). As with many aspects of life, the key to successful selection of the bridesmaid’s dress is plausible deniability and, as a bride, there’s no time like the present to work on your game face. It’s not enough simply to select a mint green tiered chiffon turtleneck dress with fringed bell sleeves for your nearest and dearest friends to wear; you have to sell it. Once they’ve mirrored your perceived enthusiasm back to you, then you can forever claim that the dress was a “group decision” and you can get on with the business of selecting the appropriate ostrich-feather hat to go with it.

  Bridezilla, noun

  A popular term coined in reference to a bride whose ego, antics, and diva-like behavior have gotten so out of control that she has become a menace to society and may need to be taken out by a squadron of tiny fighter planes filmed against a blue screen. Sure, it can be difficult not to get swept up in the excitement of the wedding planning, most of which is focused on you, your dreams, and your vision. (Okay, stuff like that. “Your vision.” You have to knock that off right now.) It’s important to remember, however, that the wedding is not just about you, it’s also about what’s-his-face.

  Briet, noun

  A diet undertaken by a woman specifically for the purpose of losing weight prior to her wedding. Created by combining the words “bride” and “diet” (not, unfortunately, “brie” and the letter “t”), the very coining of this term underscores just how much pressure is on today’s bride to show up looking like a million bucks at her nuptials (which hopefully carry a price tag somewhere south of that figure). Depending on how invested the bride is in the goal of perfecting her figure for her wedding day, she may begin her briet regimen anywhere from a week to twenty years prior to the blessed event.

  Broad, noun

  An archaic and disparaging term for a woman that is likely best known in popular culture through its association with both the Rat Pack and films of the noir genre. Broad is one of those negative terms that, once reclaimed by the group at whom it was originally aimed, becomes a form of lighthearted self-deprecation. Whereas decades ago, the labeling of a woman as a broad implied a coarseness that could, in its extreme, be taken as synonymous with prostitution, a contemporary woman who refers to herself as a broad implies instead that she has not limited herself to society’s traditional definition of womanhood and could, if motivated, happily kick your scrawny ass, Bub.

  Brooch, noun

  Not to be confused with a pin, the brooch is the elder stateswoman of jewelry and is not about to take any guff from you, missy. Often paired with reinforced-toe stockings, the brooch can include pearls, jewels, rhinestones, enamel figures, and metal twigs or leaves. These items are formed into a conglomeration that, like a fist-sized satellite from a faraway, glitter-covered galaxy, perches on the lapel of a woman whose wardrobe features many lapels and dazzles all who behold it.

  Bunny Boiler, noun

  This term came into popularity following the release of the film Fatal Attraction and refers to someone who is dangerously obsessive (the insinuation being that this is a bad thing). In the movie, Alex’played by Glenn Close’takes extreme exception to being classified as a “fling” by the Michael Douglas character named Dan. (Apparently, she thinks of herself more as girlfriend material.) One of the many ways in which she shows her acute dissatisfaction with the whole arrangement is to kill Dan’s daughter’s beloved pet bunny and set him to boil in a pot on the family stove. Sure, Alex comes off looking pretty bad there, but it’s important to remember
that she also tries to stab the guy, which we can all agree is definitely worse.

  Butt Bow, noun

  Hallmark of the bridesmaid’s dress, the butt bow is the scourge of the dressmaking industry and has been blamed over the years for everything from reception brawls to honeymoon impotence. Varying in size from a boogie board to a hang glider, the butt bow is typically fashioned from the same industrial-grade nylon as the rest of the dress, but can also be made from tulle, lace, or’if you really want to sever some relationships’organza. Regardless of the fabric or color, however, the butt bow must perform its primary function: to make the wearer appear twenty to fifty pounds heavier than she actually is while conveying a tragic, spinsterish air that no amount of eyeliner can counteract.

  Butt Bra, noun

  Any of a variety of harness-like undergarments that use straps, elastic, or strategic openings to hoist your derriere to an altitude believed to be more attractive and appealing. Surely one of the more ingenious and hardworking items to be found in your underwear drawer (see also: foundation garment), the butt bra works on the same principle as the push-up bra, but instead relies on a “pulling” effect to lift and optimally position the bun cheeks. While the quest for further advancements in the field of butt-enhancement continues, the butt bra currently sits on the frontier of rump-perkiness technology.

  Butt Protector, noun

  Casual name for any garment worn for the sole purpose of hiding your rear end from view because you don’t feel confident about its appearance. Butt protectors come in all forms, including long shirts, tunics, oversized T-shirts, and the popular sweatshirt-tied-around-the-waist. The butt-protector lifestyle can be adopted at any stage of life, but often emerges during periods of transition such as recovery from pregnancy, onset of age-related weight gain, or the temporary spread resulting from a nasty breakup. Are we fooling anyone? No. Do we know this? Yes.

  C

  Caftan, noun

  For full-body camouflage, the caftan is hard to beat. Offering virtually impenetrable coverage from fingertips to toenails to jawline, the caftan obscures all of your figure flaws while making a style statement that’s damn hard to ignore. Have even more to say? Well, then go for a caftan that expresses your individuality with unexpected pops of color, captivating patterns, and a sassy gold tassel on the zipper pull. Once available exclusively to the California/Florida retirement set, it is rumored that Angelina was recently photographed wearing one while breakfasting with Brad on the back porch of their French chateau.

  Cameltoe, noun

  The unfortunate visual result when snug pants or shorts ride up in the front and become visibly lodged between your labia (see also: ow), which prompts the question if your pants are jammed that far up in your business, then where the hell is your underwear’in your ribcage? The cameltoe is named for its uncanny resemblance to the forefoot of the camel (or “ship of the desert”), an animal that you might be interested to know is classified as an even-toed ungulate. Note: although “ungulate” sounds dirty, it’s a perfectly legitimate and official science word.

  Cankles, noun

  The tragic lack of differentiation between calf and ankle that results when both segments of the leg are the same thickness. Also known as “tree trunk legs” or “pipeline pins,” cankles can strike any age group with decidedly geriatric results. Although there is no remedy for cankles (the ankle-slenderizing workout DVDs recently hawked on late-night infomercials having been exposed as bogus), stylists recommend the vigorous application of ankle-strap shoes to create the illusion of two separate leg regions.

  Capri Pants, noun

  Much like espadrilles (see also: espadrilles), Capri pants evoke a specific mood based on a geographic location. Of course, there is no actual place called Capri, but if there were it would be unspeakably chic (see also: chic) and everyone would run around having clambakes on the beach and slinging perfect vodka Negronis on the decks of the hand-polished yachts moored in the cove and the suntanned men would wear kerchiefs knotted around their necks and that wouldn’t look even a little bit stupid and the women would all wear cat’s-eye sunglasses and take black-and-white candid photos of one another. Oh, and Capri pants hit just above the ankles, btw.

  Carbs, noun

  Short for carbohydrates, carbs are magically powerful food elements that seem to be omnipresent in any diet that is not limited to sturgeon and cabbage leaves. Prized for their fat-retention qualities, carbs are the go-to compound for the woman who is terrified she might accidentally lose weight. Often disguised as healthy foods, such as beans and bananas, carbs can also be found in pretty much anything worth putting in your mouth. Once inside your system, carbs work hard to make sure your body holds on to each and every fat cell, ensuring that your beloved saddlebags, muffin tops, and pooch will continue to grace your figure for decades to come. There are currently several popular diets that outline low- or no-carb eating regimens and whose followers can often be found pressed up against the window of the local bakery.

  Cellulite, noun

  A universally despised condition in which skin takes on a “dimpled” or “effed-up” appearance due to’oh, who the hell cares what causes it just get it off of us, man! Anyway, cellulite (see also: cottage cheese) is one of those things that, once on you, is really hard to get rid of, kind of like cigarette smell or a car salesman. Although lasers and radiofrequency systems appear to be promising treatments to reduce cellulite, there is no reliable evidence that the many cosmetic creams and topical ointments currently on the market offer any improvement of this condition. (Especially the one you can buy through the catalog with the cute pink flowers on it. Trust us on this.)

  CFM, acronym

  This acronym, which stands for the unabashedly proactive “Come fuck me,” refers to a particular category of women’s shoes designed specifically to inflame male desire. Distinct from stripper shoes (see also: stripper shoes), CFMs are worn outside the professional arousal arena. Hallmarks of CFMs can include: 1) exceptionally tall stiletto heels, 2) an excess of bondage-style straps, 3) the presence of multiple buckles or other metallic accoutrements, 4) construction from a shiny material in the colors of red and/or black, and 5) a general, fierce pointy-ness. The CFM wields substantial fantasy-inducing power when encountered by the typical male psyche and can prove to be a considerable distraction in the workplace. Then again, depending on the mindset of the male in question, the definition of CFM can be expanded to include fuzzies, running shoes, and combat boots.

  Chic, adjective

  This is one of those words that you know is a compliment, but you’re not quite comfortable using it because you can’t be absolutely certain what it means. You know it’s got something to do with being fashionable, but then things get a little fuzzy. There seems to be some magical yet indefinable quality inherent in the woman who earns the label of chic. What is it about this word? Its innate Frenchness… or the fact that it looks like a baby chicken but sounds like a brand of condoms? Or is it that this uniquely feminine word makes us a little insecure, wondering if we have what it takes to merit its application to us? Nah, we’re pretty sure it’s the French thing.

  Chick Flick, noun

  A delightful movie genre that seeks to satisfy the cinematic cravings of a broad female target audience by touching on certain universal themes believed to appeal to women. These themes may include, but are not limited to, the following: 1) turns out the male friend you’re always confiding in is hawt, 2) what men really want is a bumbling neurotic, 3) what you really need is a great pair of strappy sandals, 4) you get bonus points for feisty, 5) it really helps to have a sassy immigrant family, 6) inside every woman is a supermodel just waiting for a montage/makeover to bring her out, 7) your prince will come’and chances are he’ll be driving a luxury car.

  Chick Lit, noun

  A genre of women’s commercial fiction that is most often lauded as “light” and “fun” while also criticized as “fluffy” and “a guilty pleasure.” Chick lit st
ories tend to contain certain stock elements such as a wicked female boss, a wise-cracking sidekick, an obsession with fashion or shopping, and either a sought-after love interest or no-good ex (or both). Although often maligned by more “serious” authors, the chick lit genre continues to thrive because sometimes a girl just needs to throw back a cosmo and live vicariously through Bridget Jones as she gets her mitts on that tasty Mr. Darcy.

  Chicken Cutlet, noun

  A nickname for a freestanding, adhesive bra cup worn with revealing clothing to eliminate the distraction of a visible, traditional bra. Typically purchased and worn in sets of two (one for each breast, on average), the chicken cutlet is made of spongy material and is applied to the underside of the breast, where it is held in place by special adhesive and lots of prayers. This term can also refer to inserts that are slipped into a traditional bra to add contour and fullness. The cutlet is named for its uncanny resemblance to an actual piece of chicken meat, which, by the way, causes nothing but trouble if stuffed into your shirt.

  Childbirth, noun

  Part miracle of nature, part slasher film, childbirth is one of those things that has to be experienced to be believed, particularly the first time around. Like skydiving, you can listen to the instructor talk all day long, but until someone pushes your ass out of an airplane, it’s all academic. Luckily, every woman’s body is slightly different, so no matter how experienced your doctor/midwife/cabdriver is, there will be a moment when he or she looks truly perplexed by something happening between your legs. It’s comforting at that time to remember that women have been giving birth for centuries and the body knows what to do. After all, it’s as simple as slipping a cannonball through a keyhole.

  Chin Hair, noun

  On a female, an unwanted and highly visible follicular sprout on or near the chin area that displays a remarkable capacity for catching both natural and artificial light. Contrary to popular belief, chin hairs’not the regular, microscopic kind, but rather the freakishly long kind that make you wonder if you’ve encountered a kink in your DNA strand that contains a stretch of catfish genes’can appear on a woman of any age. Erupting spontaneously and almost always when you are out in public, the chin hair settles in like a deadbeat relative who, even after forcible removal, can be counted on to show up again and again. It’s worth noting that the most effective tool for locating these rogue hairs is your automobile’s rearview mirror, especially when the sunroof is open.