The Chicktionary Page 2

  Bangs, noun

  An enigmatic fringe of hair that hangs from the top of the face and whose sole purpose is to remind you how much you love either the hairstyle you used to have or the hairstyle you will have once your frickin’ bangs grow out. Bangs are available in four lengths: 1) too short, 2) too long, 3) awkward, and 4) in your eyes like tiny knives. Much like donating an organ or changing your will, the decision to cut bangs is generally acknowledged as one that should be acted upon only after a period of deep introspection and personal reflection, as well as consultation with clergy and/or a professional hairstylist’one whom you generously tipped on your last salon visit.

  Basset Knees, noun

  A heartbreaking condition in which one’s knees exhibit multiple wrinkles and a general bagginess that serves to draw the observer’s eye away from your cute outfit, smart shoes, and kicky handbag in a manner that is most damning to your mojo. Named for the layers of thick wrinkles that are the hallmark of the adorable basset breed, basset knees are, interestingly, the opposite of adorable. Stubborn in the extreme, basset knees are resistant to nutritional and physical fitness regimens of all kinds, often holding out to be the very last features on your body to become toned. In fact, a West Virginia woman was once exhumed in order to settle a legal matter and investigators were shocked to find the coffin empty with the exception of a pair of basset knees, which family members later identified as belonging to the woman in question.

  Bat Wings, noun

  Undulating curtains of flab that hang from the underside of your arms between the elbows and the armpits. The appearance of bat wings can be a startling occurrence during a routine activity, such as reaching to adjust your rearview mirror and discovering that you look like a flying squirrel frantically leaping from one treetop to the next. Notoriously stealthy, bat wings can strike at any time and in any age group. As they are naturally unyielding when confronted with traditional exercise and other toning and firming methods, their only effective treatment remains the application of sleeves. Long ones.

  Beach Hair, noun

  The coastal equivalent of bed head, beach hair is another of those mythical hair arrangements that strives to look spontaneous, but in fact requires a team of scalp wranglers and a bucket full of specialized products to achieve. The term “soft waves” occurs repeatedly in discussions on the topic of beach hair, as do sexy words like “tousled” and “wild.” These are in stark contrast to the words we use to describe our hair after a day at the beach’words like “matted” and “bent.” Perhaps we’re going to the wrong beach, because after a day of getting bashed by waves, rubbing sunscreen in our eyes, and flicking wet sand out of our butt seams, our appearance is less suited to cocktails and smooth jazz at Ken’s Malibu beach house than to being airlifted out by the Coast Guard.

  Beauty Mark, noun

  A petite mole that is considered a desirable visual enhancement (most often on females) if ideally placed on the face, neck, shoulder, or breast. The ability of the well-placed beauty mark to draw positive attention to one’s attributes is sometimes duplicated by the use of artificial beauty marks in the form of stick-on shapes or dots that are applied with dark eyeliner or other cosmetics. It’s worth noting that not just any natural mole will cut it as a beauty mark. Unfortunate placement, troubling protuberance, overly sufficient acreage, or general wooliness take the mole out of the category of beauty mark and place it instead in the category of things you should have checked by your dermatologist.

  Bedazzler, noun

  An ingenious device that attaches metal studs and rhinestones to anything you can wrangle between its jaws. Driven to household-name status by its catchy television ads, this crafts item unleashed a kaleidoscope of custom-embellished T-shirts, jackets, and tote bags when it was introduced to consumers in the seventies. Since then, literally millions of T-shirts have been returned to their rightful owners, thanks to their names being spelled out in sparkles across the front.

  Bed Head, noun

  1. A studied, highly manipulated hairstyle that seeks to mimic how you imagine your hair would look if you’d spent the night having hot, high-def sex with a starlet/young gun, then rolled out of the thousand-thread-count sack just in time to effortlessly throw on your vintage motorcycle jacket before heading to the impossibly quaint farmer’s market where you thoughtfully finger the produce while radiating hot, high-def sex. 2. The misshapen crime scene that greets you from the top of your head each and every morning and which has the capacity to frighten both children and livestock.

  Ben Wa Balls, noun

  In use among a variety of cultures for centuries, Ben Wa balls and the like are instruments of female sexual arousal as well as tools used to help increase the strength of the vaginal muscles. The balls can be made of a variety of materials and hollow models can contain smaller spheres or even chimes. (Was that the doorbell?) The balls are inserted into the vagina (the anus is another option when seeking erotic stimulation), where they remain until removed using an optional retrieval cord or are coughed or sneezed out. For erotic stimulation, a gentle rocking motion is recommended, although Mr. Wa has reportedly received complaints that the balls’ effect is too subtle to be felt. For conditioning of the vaginal muscles, the balls are held inside the vagina with a clenching motion, taking the definition of “private training” to its extreme.

  Bestie, noun

  An adorable name for a best friend, notably a current best friend. A woman may have multiple besties, such as a work bestie, school bestie, etc. The bestie relationship is slightly more casual than the best friend relationship and is at least a level below your best friend for life (see also: biffle) on the official friend hierarchy. It’s worth noting that the female friendship hierarchy is a fluid construct that is highly sensitive to subtle shifts in tone and circumstance as well as the spontaneous creation of new levels and names thereof. That being said, this is what bestie means. At least for today.

  Beta Baby, noun

  The heavily scrutinized first child born into a circle of female friends. The beta baby provokes a spectrum of reactions among group members, ranging from fascination and affection to annoyance and naked envy, depending on the friend’s current marital and/or relationship status and the degree to which the beta baby disrupts the group. Although scientists work to pioneer methods for testing the resilience of the female friendship dynamic, it is unlikely that a more effective instrument than the beta baby will ever be developed.

  Bias Cut, adjective

  This term describes a garment’typically a longer skirt or dress’that is made on the diagonal, maximizing the stretch and drape of the fabric. Used to the greatest effect on lightweight materials, the technique of cutting on the bias creates a slight elasticity that maximizes the fabric’s ability to hug the body and accentuate its curves.

  Fun fact The bias cut technique also creates a garment that will cling to every bulge, pooch, (see also: pooch), ripple, dimple, and pucker on your figure, thus broadcasting all your issues to the world at large.

  Biffle, noun

  Variation of BFFL, or best friend for life. Your biffle is your homegirl, your wingwoman (see also: wingwoman), the top of the female friendship hierarchy’and you are the same for her. Your biffle knows where you hide your spare key, the home address of the guy who landed you in the women’s clinic with those nasty red bumps, and the real story behind that thing that happened that time at the cabin. Not even your kryptonite guy (see also: kryptonite guy) can destabilize the bond you share with your biffle.

  Bikini, noun

  Invented by a French engineer and named for the Bikini Atoll in the Pacific, the bikini is an especially skimpy version of the two-piece swimsuit (see also: two-piece) and, let’s face it, the mainstream hotness yardstick by which all other women’s swimsuits are judged. Beyond the basic bikini model, there are subcategories such as the cheeky, thong, and g-string bikinis that raise the suit’s level of difficulty by winnowing away even more of its fabric. Though its
exact elastic boundaries may ebb and flow as the seasons pass, the bikini, once considered scandalous, is destined to remain as much of a fixture on the beach as the hot dog-swiping seagulls and the lone hairy guy in the Speedo.

  Biological Clock, noun

  A popular term for the supposed internal timing mechanism that drives a woman to begin actively desiring a baby. Although each woman’s body operates on its own individual timeframe, popular culture dictates that a woman begins to become aware of the “ticking” of her clock in her late twenties and early thirties. It is further theorized that the ticking becomes more pronounced as the woman moves through her mid-thirties, and some claim that it can ratchet up to an audible beeping as the fortieth birthday approaches. Is there a snooze button? Yes, and it can be activated by eating at any children’s so-called “theme restaurant,” particularly on a Saturday.

  Birth Control Pills, noun

  Commonly known as “the pill,” these oral contraceptives began to be available in all fifty states in the mid-sixties, thus kicking off the sexual revolution and giving ladies one more thing to carry in that secret zippered compartment inside their handbags. Birth control pills are used by more than 100 million women worldwide, most of whom are standing in line at a pharmacy right now, wondering what the hell is taking so long.

  Fun fact There are many formulations of birth control pills, and the ones that do not mesh well with your particular body chemistry can bring on the kinds of exciting side effects that will have your friends backing slowly away from you and your loved ones checking the lock on the gun cabinet.

  Bitch Lit, noun

  The tough, motorcycle-jacket-wearing sister of chick lit (see also: chick lit), bitch lit doesn’t vent about her bad date in loopy cursive on the pages of her fuzzy pink diary. Instead, she reaches across the table, grabs the man in question by his shirt, and spells it out to his face before stalking out and hailing a cab. Bitch lit, with its edgy anti-heroines and sharp satire, focuses less on romance and more on power’specifically, power in the hands of women who have no qualms about wielding it.

  Black Shoes, noun

  “Why do you have so many pairs of black shoes?” Only a Philistine would ask such a question, and it reveals a troubling fashion shortsightedness that, if we’re honest with ourselves, heralds the beginning of the end of this relationship. Ah, well, it was nice while it lasted, although we won’t miss that canvas belt you seemed to be so attached to, nor will we be sorry never again to lay eyes on that shiny shirt with the diagonal diamonds that you thought made you look like “The Situation.” No, you never admitted it directly, but that time we surprised you in the bedroom wearing the shirt and looking at yourself in the mirror over the tops of your sunglasses? Yeah, we knew.

  Blind Date, noun

  For those in need of a reminder that our species is one, ultimately, of supreme optimism, consider the blind date. You select your clothing with care, then launch a multitiered grooming frenzy that includes all the usual efforts as well as some “special occasion” rituals such as strategic shaving and cotton-swabbing. You perhaps apply the lightest mist/smack of a favorite fragrance, check your look in the mirror one last time, and then head out into the romantic wilderness to meet a mystery person’one who may end up sharing the rest of your life with you, but whom at least you hope doesn’t spend the majority of the night digging in his or her ear with a pinky. In a society overflowing with crass pessimism, there are few things more beautiful than the naïve, ever-replenishing hope of the blind date. Stupid, yes. But beautiful nonetheless.

  Bling, noun

  A term for jewelry of any and all kind. Short for the more formal “bling-bling,” the term originated in rap culture as a play on the imaginary sound that light makes when it strikes a highly reflective surface such as a diamond, precious metal, or even a blinding smile. After moving into mainstream culture, where it was neutered through widespread overuse, bling lost all its street cred and became a subtle, tongue-in-cheek expression for those who continued to

  use it.

  Bloat, noun

  Officially known as “the bloat,” this is an uncomfortable distension of the belly and other components of your digestive system resulting from eating’or in some cases even thinking about eating’something you shouldn’t. A related malady, known as “the dread bloat,” is triggered not by food but rather by the waxing and waning of the hormonal tide that accompanies the monthly Festival of Menses (see also: Aunt Flo, the curse). In extreme instances, both forms of bloat can move beyond their usual boundaries and encompass the entire body, making everything from your hair follicles to your toenail cuticles feel as though they’re about to blow.

  Blotting Sheets, noun

  Ingenious, portable sheets of absorbent material that, when applied, suck the oily shine right off your face and leave in its place an appealing, matte surface. Blotting sheets typically are comprised of naturally absorbent paper and tissue fibers, although some are made from nontissue microfilm. (Note: no one understands exactly how the film ones work’since when is something rubbery also absorbent? Weird.) Anyway, because, according to popular decree, certain parts of you are supposed to be shiny (eyes, eyelids, lips, hair) and other parts of you are not supposed to be shiny (see also: baked a cake on your face), blotting sheets may be the perfect solution for maintaining your critical shine—no shine ratio.

  Blue Ball, verb

  To produce prolonged sexual arousal in a man but deny him the ultimate satisfaction of achieving orgasm, thus bringing the cycle of arousal to its normal completion (see also: tease). Blue balling a man, or creating what is officially termed vasocongestion, is said to produce testicular pain although there is very little medical research that confirms these complaints. It is suggested, however, that the condition can be relieved with anti-inflammatory drugs, which puts an entirely new spin on the vintage expression, “Take two aspirin and call me in the morning.”

  Board Shorts, noun

  Women’s board shorts’based on men’s swim trunks but marketed to females’have removed one of the main obstacles keeping many women on the sand and out of the surf: the women’s swimsuit. It’s true that everyone on the beach is, in fact, looking at your butt when you walk out to the water, and we know it. Who needs that pressure? Styled with the comfort and wearability of regular shorts, this is one swimsuit bottom that you’ll never have to keep delicately yanking out of your butt crease. Women’s board shorts are second only to jeans in waist-down coverage and much easier to swim in than wet denim.

  Booty, noun

  A popular slang term for butt, used most often in reference to a woman’s posterior, which is, according to a number of sources, built for shaking. Beyond its basic meaning, booty conveys a playfully complimentary tone while implying a strong sexual attraction to said derriere on the part of the speaker. Immortalized in the hit song “Bootylicious” by Beyoncé, the prevalence of this term in popular culture shows no signs of diminishing in the near future. May also be pronounced “boo-TAY” for added effect and reinforcement of ’liciousness.

  Booty Call, noun

  A spontaneous call, text, or other form of instantaneous communication with someone you know but are not in a relationship with for the purpose of having no-strings-attached sex. One step removed from the “friends with benefits” arrangement (see also: friends with benefits), the booty call can be placed to someone outside the category of friend. In fact, many feel that the booty call is best suited to those on the periphery of one’s social circle as this encourages the mental compartmentalization required for both parties to emerge from the coupling unfettered by collateral emotional attachment. This lack of attachment is the foundation of the booty call and any thoughts of sleeping over, notions of catching a matinee together, or internal musings on the way his bangs scatter across his forehead should serve as red flags that you are departing booty call territory.

  Bosom, noun

  The unsexiest word for breasts ever coined, “bosom” con
notes a distinctly grandmother-ish vibe, with the unexpected twist of suggesting that your grandmother is frickin’ stacked. Often used in the context of tucking something or someone to your bosom, the term implies nonsexual comfort-giving and nurturing with the understanding that there is more than ample cushioning available for such activities. In contrast, it is unlikely that you will hear a reference to “tucking someone to your ribcage” outside the world of competitive wrestlers and skydiving instructors.

  Botox, noun

  A hugely popular substance that, although derived from a neurotoxin, exhibits an epic capacity for beautification when injected into, say, that troublesome double-gulley between your eyebrows (see also: elevens). Initially used most often by women over the age of forty, Botox is now popular among women in their twenties and thirties as well. As with any cosmetic procedure, the potential for overzealous treatment exists, which can result in a temporary inability to create facial expressions that correspond to such overrated emotions as surprise, fear, anger, and joy (see also: smize).

  Brazilian Blowout, noun

  A professionally applied heat and chemical treatment that fundamentally alters your hair texture and leaves you looking more like Jennifer Aniston and less like a labradoodle. Although concerns have been raised about the potential health hazards of exposure to the harsh chemicals used in the straightening process, it is widely acknowledged that most women would happily run through a hail of gunfire to have silky, carefree hair for three straight months. The Brazilian blowout is similar to the Japanese hair straightening process, but the latter does not leave you with an irresistible impulse to dance in the streets wearing nothing but a thong and a feather headdress.