The Chicktionary Read online

  Leather Pants, noun

  A clothing item that carries a degree-of-difficulty rating of ten (out of ten, btw), leather pants are both unforgiving (see also: old lady butt) and iconic (see also: Jim Morrison). The rule of thumb is that there is a perfect pair of these pants out there for you, but you will never find them. Studies have shown that, in order to optimize your chances of wearing leather pants without experiencing critical reputation fail, you must meet the following criteria: 1) you are twenty to twenty-five years old, and 2) you have a recording contract, and 3) you will be the subject of a critically acclaimed biopic later in life, or 4) you are Chrissie Hynde of The Pretenders.

  Leg Warmers, noun

  Like the beret, leg warmers are an item of clothing that beckons again and again … and again and again you must ask yourself, just as you do with regard to the beret: “Can I pull this off?” Let us help you: no, you cannot. This is a non-negotiable answer, with three exceptions: 1) you are a member of the American Ballet Theatre or similarly revered repository of The Dance, 2) you are Jennifer Beals, 3) it is the eighties. (Note: items two and three above must occur in tandem in order to qualify for the exception to the leg warmers rule.)

  -licious, suffix

  A wonderfully versatile suffix that adds an extra layer of appeal (see also: BAM) to just about anything. Believed to have been spawned by the popularity of Beyoncé’s hit song “Bootylicious,” -licious began showing up at the ends of words that had never before been modified in this way, such as fabulicious, boobalicious, and discolicious. Like many pop cultural juggernauts, -licious could not be contained but rather gained momentum as it moved beyond its original use and into virgin pockets of the language, eventually migrating as far as baconlicious, sudokulicious, and polkalicious.

  Lingerie, noun

  From the French root word that can be roughly translated as “swank drawers,” lingerie comprises women’s underthings that mean business. Just as a men’s silk pocket square is, as the expression goes, “for showin,’ not for blowin’,” lingerie is designed not with utilitarian intent, but rather to make a statement. Unlike the pocket square, however, the statement is not a public one, but rather intended for a more targeted audience, the headcount of which is a woman’s private prerogative. What is lingerie’s statement, exactly? For some, it is an expression of power, femininity, fantasy, or even fetish. For many, it is also an expression of really wanting to change into something more comfortable.

  Lip Liner, noun

  This is one of those cosmetic products whose appropriate use varies greatly with age, as in your age. Thanks to the blinding bloom of youth, teens and young women can get away with pretty much anything when it comes to makeup and hair. As a woman becomes more mature, however, certain practices become risky and, with the passage of yet more time, they become downright frightening. Thick, pancake makeup and shocking pink blush are two examples that come to mind, and lip liner is right there with them (see also: shaky lip liner). So please do your grandmother a favor and gently guide her away from the dark brown lip liner and toward a nice, elegant gloss. That way the younger children will stop asking where Nana’s hiding the chocolate.

  Lip Plumper, noun

  A cosmetic product created with the intention of inflaming your lips so they swell and appear fuller. As plump, pouty lips continue to be a focus of the beauty and cosmetic industries, there is no shortage of lip-plumping glosses, gels, and sheens on the market. These products contain either natural or artificial ingredients that basically annoy, antagonize, taunt, or bitch-slap your lips. Your lips do their best to turn the other cheek, but eventually they react, swelling with anger. Depending on how strong the lip-plumping product is, your lips can stay pissed off for hours.

  Lipstick Trick, noun

  A handy maneuver that can be performed anywhere, anytime in order to help prevent lipstick from being accidentally deposited on one’s teeth (see also: Cujo syndrome). To do the lipstick trick, apply your lipstick as usual. Then, make an “O” with your lips and insert your (clean) pointer finger into the center of the “O” without touching your lips. Gently close your lips around your finger and pull your finger outward, away from your face. Using a tissue, wipe any excess lipstick from your finger. On second thought, this may be a maneuver that is best performed in the privacy of one’s home or car.

  Liquid Eyeliner, noun

  When it comes to makeup application, liquid eyeliner is the great equalizer. Sure, you’re handy with the mascara wand. You know your way around an eyebrow pencil. But have you got skillz? What’s the big deal? you ask. It’s just like any other eyeliner. Don’t be a chump. You think watching a couple of instructional videos on YouTube is going to get you through this? Do you understand that the slightest miscalculation’the merest whiff of a wobble’turns you in a heartbeat from Audrey Hepburn to Marilyn Manson? And forget starting over or trying to fix it if you go astray. You might as well be drawing rings around your eyes with a Sharpie.

  Lobster Heels, noun

  The condition that exists when a woman allows her heels to become so hard and scaly that they resemble a lobster’s crusty exterior. Mild-to-moderate cases of lobster heels can be remedied relatively easily with brisk exfoliation (see also: exfoliation) and the application of an intense moisturizer. Advanced lobster heels, however, can become so rough and cracked that they require repeated treatments with a motorized sanding device and specialized lubricants formulated to ease your heels out of their crustacean condition and return them to their original mammalian state. During this period of transition, it is recommended that you shroud your feet in rain boots or tube socks when in public because, seriously, no one wants to see those things.

  M

  Maiden Name, noun

  Traditionally, a woman’s family or birth name that she uses until she has occasion to change it as a result of, for example, marriage. Although many modern maidens choose to retain their birth names in some form regardless of marital status, others cleave to tradition and take their husbands’ names, often permanently abandoning their original surnames.

  Fun fact A woman’s maiden name can make a reappearance through the use of the word “née,” meaning “born as” (example: Geraldine Lang née Fong). However, it is estimated that 86 percent of people have no idea what this means.

  Maid of Honor, noun

  A crucial yet underappreciated job, the maid of honor serves as the bride’s right-hand woman both during the wedding and in the months leading up to it. The maid of honor should expect to be called upon at any time to step into the role of crisis counselor, seamstress, EMT, beautician, chauffeur, or Navy Seal. In return, she will receive a crappy faux-sterling box onto which her initials have been engraved off-center and which will begin to cloud around the corners within three months. Note: in keeping with tradition, the bride will tell the rest of the bridal party that it was the maid of honor who insisted on the dresses with the heinous butt bow (see also: butt bow).

  Makeover, noun

  A high-stakes experiment in which you turn your appearance over to someone whose last job, for all you know, was as a stylist on the kiddie-pageant circuit. Done skillfully, the makeover can result in a polished, more confident you while passing on new skills to bring out the best in your appearance every day. The other 97 percent of the time, however, the makeover leaves you gaping in stunned silence at the grotesquely glazed she-clown in the mirror and wondering how you’re going to get your $400 worth of new makeup home without being accused of working another girl’s corner.

  Makeunder, noun

  A process by which a woman’s “look” is toned down and simplified by a professional, resulting in a redesigned appearance that is softer, more natural, and closer to her original default setting. The typical candidate for a makeunder is a woman who applies her makeup with too liberal a hand, styles her hair in a distracting or unattractive manner, or wears clothes that could be described as unflattering or over the top. The ideal candidate for a makeunder
does all three of these simultaneously, most likely while upending a bottle of perfume into her cleavage.

  Mall Crawl, noun

  A routine trip to the mall for the purpose of, um, going to the mall. Typically undertaken in the company of at least one girlfriend, the mall crawl is to modern times what a stroll down the avenue was at the turn of the century’a chance to see and be seen, to pass the time while exchanging bits of news and gossip, to trade evasive barbs with the pushy guy who runs the hand-massage kiosk, and to eat frozen yogurt. “What are you here to get, exactly?” a male might ask, thereby disclosing that he does not understand what malls are for at all. Like Mt. Everest, the mall is crawled because it is there.

  Mammogram, noun

  A delightful, relaxing procedure in which a woman’s breast is pressed between two plates until it is approximately a micron thick and the size of a patio table, then bombarded with X-rays, yielding an inscrutable image that resembles the opposite of a breast. Bonus features of the mammogram experience may include a drafty waiting room, nonvalidated parking, gruff staff, and unlimited easy listening music. It is recommended that women over the age of thirty-five receive a mammogram annually, but many women “cheat” and schedule several examinations per year just because it is so much dang fun.

  Mandatory Waiting Period, noun

  The magical, non-negotiable length of time that a man feels he must wait to contact a woman following a first date. The exact period of time may vary from man to man, but on average ranges anywhere from twenty-four hours to a week. From a woman’s point of view, this kind of rigid, arbitrary practice is a total steaming pantload, with flaws both obvious and numerous. For example, if you had a great date, why torment yourself while other men with thicker, more lustrous hair move in on the future mother of your children? On the other hand, if she’s the kind of woman who’s Google-street-viewing your house and looking for an easy entry point as we speak, why risk pissing her off?

  Man Drought, noun

  An extreme scarcity of eligible men. Woe to the single woman who, for whatever reason, finds herself in the midst of a man drought. For some, it occurs because they have chosen a career that does not happen to draw as many men as women, effectively cutting themselves off from a primary pipeline of potential mates. Other women may make the misstep of settling into a bedroom community populated primarily by young families, whereas others awaken to the unhappy discovery that they have accidentally enrolled in a women’s college. Regardless of her individual circumstances, today’s single woman hones her social meteorology skills, ready to migrate to more fertile climes at the first sign of a dreaded man drought.

  Man Hands, noun

  Launched into the popular vernacular by the legendary sitcom Seinfeld, the term man hands describes a woman’s hands that, for one reason or another, look like they should be at the end of a man’s arms rather than a woman’s. Characteristics that trigger the man hands label include finger beefiness, excessive and/or ropey veininess, general coarseness, and, of course, overall size. Although there is no cure for the condition of man hands, an effective optical illusion that helps make the hands appear smaller can be created by wearing giant rings, bracelets, and watches. And, unless you’re going trick-or-treating as Minnie Mouse, leave the white gloves in the drawer.

  Manicure, noun

  A nail service conducted by a professional that typically includes the following steps: 1) you wait in the corner along with several tense, glaring women for your nail professional to become available while you thumb through the August 1988 issue of Vogue, 2) you begin your manicure with polish removal, finger soaking, and small talk, gently correcting the manicurist whose questions make it apparent that she has confused you with another client who was a dancer in Cats and is married to an accordionist, 3) you try in vain to find a neutral place to look while receiving your hand/forearm massage, 4) you watch the application of the polish, which always turns out to be too dark, too light, too sheer, too goth, or too trashy, 5) you wreck three to five of your freshly painted nails trying to get your keys out of your purse.

  Mani-Pedi, noun

  A shorthand term for a combination manicure-pedicure, the use of which marks the speaker as an experienced nail salon vet. The mani-pedi client visit to the salon has all the earmarks of a maintenance pit stop during the Daytona 500’you know the crew, you know the drill, and you need to get your wheels back out on the pavement as soon as possible so let’s hustle. Brisk and efficient, the mani-pedi is certain to pave the way for other convenient procedure combinations in the future, such as the hearing testie—ear piercey and the gynie-waxie.

  Man Purse, noun

  Not to be confused with a briefcase, messenger bag, or satchel, the man purse is a smallish, handbag-like accessory made specifically for men to contain and tote their “stuff,” and which may include a shoulder strap or, conversely, be designed to be carried in the hand as a clutch. Some women can overlook this gender-bending fashion practice in the short-term, choosing instead to concentrate on the manlier qualities of their companions while silently praying that the purse thing extinguishes itself before they run into anyone they know. Most women, however, will balk at the first flash of the man purse, which triggers a rapid recalibration and subsequent downgrading of relationship potential. The appearance of the man purse also introduces the substantive and troubling question: “What is it, exactly, that this man carries around that requires a case while other men do just fine with their pants pockets?”

  Manscaping, noun

  A men’s grooming practice through which facial and/or body hair is tamed, maintained, beaten back, and shaped with the goal of creating a more polished appearance. Manscaping can include, but is not limited to, shaving, trimming, clipping, tweezing, and waxing. Women’s attitudes regarding manscaping are as varied as the array of hair patterns a man can produce on his chin, but it is generally true that each woman has a personal “point of no return” past which manscaping is no longer alluring but feels like a personal challenge, as in, “What the hell? His eyebrows look neater than mine!”

  Marionette Lines, noun

  You’re nobody’s puppet and, as far as we’re concerned, the less you resemble one, the better. That’s why those creases that run from the corners of your mouth to the sides of your nose have got to go. Jiminy Cricket! It’s time to escape the Island of Lost Girls and make an appointment at Dr. Geppetto’s workshop where, if you wish upon a star, he’ll fill those lines right where they are. After all, you’re made of awesome, not maple.

  Martha Stewart, proper noun

  Exacting overlord of all things pertaining to homemaking/cooking/crafting whose name you invoke when you want to act like you’re giving someone a compliment but really you’re letting her know that you’re sick and tired of her making everyone else’including you’look like crap. Example: “Well, aren’t you Martha Stewart, making your own felted-flower bow to go on that birthday gift!” Translation: “Only a flagrant passive-aggressive would spend four hours making an organic felt bow and, let me guess, you also handmade the wrapping paper using only a screen door and a potato, right? Go to hell!”

  Masturbation, noun

  The act of sexually pleasuring oneself, typically through the manipulation of the genitals and to the point of orgasm (see also: orgasm). Whether you consider masturbation a hobby, occasional pastime, hardcore sport, or something you find yourself doing more often than you check your e-mails, this highly satisfying practice has something for everyone. Offering a complimentary and spontaneous mini-vacation/in-flight-movie/spa treatment/tension releaser, all provided by the one person who knows your preferences better than anyone, masturbation is truly the gift you never have to give anyone but yourself. When you put it that way, who are we to tell you to knock it off?

  Maven, noun

  A word of Yiddish origin that has become increasingly’and

  exasperatingly’prevalent with the advent of social media. It is almost impossible to spend time on Tw
itter or Facebook without encountering the aggressive claims of various mavens such as marketing mavens, coupon mavens, etc. It is worth noting that all the cool maven jobs appear to be taken, with current openings available only for halitosis maven, frozen chicken nugget maven, and traffic school maven.

  Maxi Dress, noun

  Not to be confused with maxi pad (see also: maxi pad), the maxi dress is a floor-length (or longer) dress that is typically casual and may or may not be made of an eye-catching patterned fabric. Available in a boggling array of designs, the popular maxi dress offers the unique and useful features of hiding a wide variety of figure flaws, effectively obscuring most spray-tan mishaps, and providing a convenient as well as roomy cover for any leftover party food or centerpieces that you’d like to take home with you.

  Maxi Pad, noun

  Aircraft carrier of the menstrual fleet, the maxi pad comes in three sizes: huge, ginormous, and continental. Held in place decades ago (when it was known horrifyingly as a sanitary napkin) by an ungainly belt, today’s maxi pads are designed with the modern woman in mind and are affixed to your lacy underthings by Space Age adhesive. Some pads even come wrapped in sassy colors to match your sassy uterus. Although there are many models of maxi pads on the market whose features address rates of flow, times of day, and winged-versus-flightless classification, the primary function of this level of feminine protection is to absorb Lake Superior while its wearer continues blithely to do the Dougie.