The Chicktionary Read online

  IUD, acronym

  Acronym for intrauterine device (not, as commonly believed, “in up ’dere”), the IUD is a form of contraception that involves planting a piece of plastic that looks like one of those floss-picker things into your uterus, where it floats around like Sputnik until your gynecologist (see also: gynie) removes it. Although the IUD produces several effects that work to prevent conception, its general method is to irritate and eventually piss off your uterus so much that it shuts the blinds, changes its phone number, blocks you on Facebook, and refuses to play nice with any of your partner’s sperm until the annoying device is removed.

  I Was Called Ugly Duckling in High School, phrase

  One of two standard quotes (see also: everyone teased me for being so skinny) regularly attributed to supermodels and sexpot actresses in an effort to make them sound more like regular ol’ folks. We’re sorry, were those hard times? Do those old taunts come back to haunt you when you’re on the sun deck of your yacht running barefoot through Jake Gyllenhaal’s chest hair? Listen, some of us were called things like Scrotum Wind and The Turdinator’and that was just kindergarten. All we have now to ease the pain of those memories is a boyfriend who’s “keeping his options open” and a Camry whose driver-side window only shuts halfway.

  “I Will Survive,” song title

  This female-power masterpiece, written by Freddie Perren and Dino Fekaris and performed by Gloria Gaynor, is arguably the ultimate post-breakup recovery song (see also: breakup). Released in 1978 and subsequently the recipient of numerous significant music-industry awards, “I Will Survive” has retained anthem status through the passing decades. It tells the story of a woman who, initially crushed by the desertion of her lover, comes to realize that she was just fine (better, in fact) without him, only to walk in and find him in her place, expecting her to take back his sorry ass. Oh, we don’t think so.

  J

  Jack Rogers sandals, noun

  Want to class up your dogs? Slip them into a pair of Jack Rogers sandals. More specifically, show them off in his iconic Navajo thongs’the stitched sandal that will forever be associated with the fiercely chic Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis. It’s worth noting, however, that not all of us are in possession of Jackie O’s dainty patrician peds, and these sandals are as narrow as a Klansman’s mind. If your tootsies tend to spread out like a warm breakfast when released from their usual Chuck Taylors, the Navajo might not be the shoe for you.

  Jawline Seam, noun

  The bane of the foundation-wearing woman. Also known as the “shadow of doubt,” the jawline seam is the visible line where the foundation color stops and your natural skin color begins. Depending on how liberally you apply your makeup, the jawline seam can range from a subtle shift in shade (from, for example, Barbados Bisque to Salt Lake City Sand) to a three-dimensional curb. In order to prevent being mistaken for someone who should be riding atop a parade float, first make sure your makeup color is a perfect match for your real skin tone and, second, take the time to blend, blend, blend your foundation’if necessary, all the way down to your hipbones.

  Jeans, noun

  “I’m going jeans shopping.” It sounds so simple, doesn’t it? You fool. Did you stock your purse with power bars and bottled water? Are you having a skinny day? Did you powder your thighs to prevent a friction seam-burn? Is your self-esteem at a seasonal high? Second only to swimsuit shopping, jeans shopping requires that you be at the top of your game, schooled in the silhouettes that flatter your body type, and impervious to even the cattiest salesclerk snark. Many’s the woman who has casually strolled into the denim department without proper mental and physical preparation only to emerge two hours later, red-eyed, disoriented, and clutching a bag containing a pair of jeans that “seemed” to “work,” only to discover at home that they have a lace-up fly and buttons for attaching rainbow suspenders.

  Jeggings, noun

  Created from the combination of jeans and leggings, jeggings are outrageously snug stretch-denim or faux-denim leggings that hovered on the fashion radar for approximately thirteen minutes in 2010. Some jeggings are made from materials that are similar to denim in texture; others are manufactured from the same fabric as tights but with a faux-jean graphic pattern applied after sewing. Jeggings possess the unique ability to distort even the sveltest figure into an appalling, irregular mass that polite society dictates must be covered by a long shirt or tunic.

  Jewelry Party, noun

  Also known in some areas as a Silpada party, this in-home sales event induces severe feelings of guilt and regret, either because you didn’t buy enough merchandise to earn the hostess her freebie gift or because you were a little too transported by the Kenny G playing in the background and blew your entire car payment on two pairs of earrings. The considerate hostess anticipates these scenarios and provides a well-stocked spread of brie, crackers, and chardonnay, which allows you to avoid the shopping portion of the event or temporarily distracts the part of your brain that remembers how much you just spent.

  JFL, acronym

  Also adorably known as “jiffles” or “the jiffles,” this is an acronym for the delightful state of dishevelment that results after a vigorous bout of lovemaking. Characteristics of the jiffles include mussed hair, smeared makeup, half-tucked shirt, swollen lips, flushed skin, and a happily dazed and bleary grin. Although there are other ways to interpret it, we like to think of these three letters as standing for the “Just Fluffed Look.”

  Fun fact The jiffles have been known to evoke both intense curiosity as well as envy among observers.

  Jorts, noun

  A combination of the words “jean” and “shorts,” jorts are, shockingly, jean shorts. So far, so good. Beyond this basic definition, however, things get a little murky. Although some feel that jorts include any manner of denim short regardless of length, others describe jorts as strictly of the knee-length, baggy variety. Then there is the question of jort-genesis, or the manner in which the jorts were created. Were they initially manufactured as jorts or were they spontaneously formed by cutting off a pair of full-length jeans? And, just when you think you’ve got a handle on the whole jort situation, the question of age arises: are they jorts only if the wearer is above the age of, say, forty? Or are they jorts from birth ’til death and all the jort-sporting good times in between? And’wait’do we even like these things, whatever they are?

  Judy Moody, proper noun

  Borrowing its name from the popular children’s books, a Judy Moody is a woman so volatile and so, well, moody, that you never know how she is going to treat you. Every encounter with Judy Moody is fresh and exciting’an emotional crap shoot that is as likely to leave you wondering why she’s hugging you around the neck as wondering if this is the day she slipped a hunting knife into her purse and is planning to send you to that big shoe department in the sky. Yesterday everything was fine’why is she so angry at you today? Answer: there is no why. There is no yesterday. There is only you, Judy Moody, and whatever martial arts training you happen to have. Good luck.

  Jumpsuit, noun

  Unless you happen to be Evel Knievel, the jumpsuit is a treacherous item of clothing. Indeed, it is difficult to name another garment on which accurate tailoring is as critical. After all, what other outfit is capable of inflicting physical injury if the torso length is even half an inch too short? Now that we think about it, wearing that jumpsuit (which was made of leather’a notoriously nonstretch material) may have played a large part in giving Evel Knievel the courage to make those death-defying jumps on his motorcycle. Perhaps he was thinking, “Hell, I’m already wearing a leather jumpsuit. How much worse could my day get?”

  Junk, noun

  A slang term for genitalia that almost always refers to that of the male, specifically. When used in reference to a woman, however, it typically is a meditation on how much of said junk she happens to have in her “trunk” (see also: booty). Whereas some women express concern over what they feel is an excess amount of jun
k in their trunks, others feel they are lacking in this regard and seek to enhance the appearance of junk in their trunks, either through adjustments in dietary habits (see also: carbs) or through the use of a specialized, junk-enhancing undergarment (see also: butt bra).

  Just Friends, phrase

  Not to be confused with remaining friends, this is an entirely different concept. Exquisitely flexible in its meaning, the sentence “We’re just friends” often means that the two people in question are, indeed, simply friends. Then again, those same three words can also mean that they are having sweaty lemur sex on parking level four every day at lunch and you are the last person in the department to catch on to that fact. Note: if two people are often asked whether they are “just friends,” that’s pretty solid evidence that they are more than “just friends.”

  Just Kidding, Love You, phrase

  This is another phrase that pretends to mean the opposite of what it says (see also: I hate you), thus allowing the speaker to “take back” the lousy thing she just said to you. For example, “Chloe, you’re such a bitch’just kidding, love you!” In order for the speaker to make this line work, the phrase must be accompanied by an aggressive smile and must immediately follow the insult or, better yet, be welded right onto it, as in, “Your hair looks so stupid todayjustkiddingloveyou!”

  K

  Kegel, noun

  An internal exercise named for Dr. Arnold Kegel that involves repeated clenching of the pelvic muscles. Many women seek to increase the muscle strength in and around the pelvic floor for reasons such as recovery from childbirth, prevention of bladder leakage during sneezing and laughing, and heightened sensation during intercourse. Kegel exercises can be done with the use of a pelvic toning device (in the form of balls or other shapes inserted in the vagina for pushing resistance) or you can simply “freestyle” it by clenching your muscles anywhere, anytime. Many doctors recommend that women use stoplights as reminders and make a practice of doing repetitive Kegels until the light turns green. It is unclear whether this practice has led to an increase or decrease in incidents of road rage in this country.

  Knitting, noun

  A popular fiber craft that has been around for centuries and continues to enjoy resurgences with each passing decade. A highly portable pastime, knitting requires only specialized needles and yarns of choice to create almost any item in just about any color/fiber combination. Although knitting is a traditional craft with relatively homespun beginnings, the hobby has been taken up by a number of celebrities in recent years, leading to yet another surge in the craft’s popularity. Although most women claim that knitting is a simple skill that can quickly be picked up even by the most uncoordinated novice, others find it to be virtually impossible to learn, even at the most rudimentary level. And we happen to know that they really, really tried. They even stayed after class at the yarn shop to ask for extra help while those other show-offs snickered at them. That’s right’they heard the snickering.

  Knockoff, noun

  A knockoff is an illegal, counterfeit copy of a luxury item such as a designer watch or handbag. Often sold in sketchy parts of town or at “purse parties” hosted in private homes, knockoffs can be found in circulation across all income strata. Although we’re the last ones to reproach a woman for faking it now and then (see also: boobs, lips, nails, hair, and faking it), there’s nothing like the humiliation of having someone point out that your handbag appears to have been made by “Louie Vweeton” or “Prado.”

  Kryptonite Guy, noun

  The one man in your life, past or present, against whom your womanly superpowers are useless. No matter how many tough talks your friends give you, no matter how many times you swear him off for good, you are a sitting duck for this guy, again and again. Although friends and family are unable to see or understand this man’s otherworldly appeal, its effect on you is devastating, leaving your emotional compass spinning and your emotions roiling. The best you can hope for is that his hair falls out. But you know it won’t. Dammit.

  L

  Labia, noun

  Who makes this stuff up? Seriously, how did this brainstorming session go, exactly? Here you have this incredibly intimate, erotic part of a woman’s body’the very gateway into the sexual and reproductive realm’and the best we’ve got is labia? Labia sounds like something growing in your armpit that needs to be lanced. And, please, don’t trot out that old “it comes from Latin” line again. Haven’t we blamed enough on the Romans? They’re not even around to defend themselves. No, we need to step up, acknowledge that this name stinks, and come up with a better one. Like “threshold of awesomeness.” Hey, it’s just a jumping-off point.

  Labor Day Rule, noun

  The traditional fashion dictum that Labor Day heralds the beginning of fall and therefore the point after which it is no longer appropriate to wear such specifically “summer” items as white shoes, slacks, jackets, and handbags. The “no white after Labor Day” rule is still strictly observed in certain parts of the country while flagrantly ignored in others, particularly those that have little to no winter weather. In fact, in certain balmy, beachside communities, even the long-standing “no flip-flops on Christmas” rule has been abandoned.

  Ladies’ Room, noun

  International port of refuge for females of all ages, the ladies’ room is many things to many women. This single-sex sanctuary can serve as 1) a cooling-off zone after a spat, 2) a convenient space in which to freshen one’s makeup or adjust an errant contact lens, 3) a compartment of solitude during a chatter-filled excursion, 4) a private location in which to discuss ongoing social developments with female companions, or 5) an escape hatch with an easy-to-open window for women on particularly horrific dates. Apparently, you can even tinkle in there. Although men often grouse about the amount of time it takes for a woman to return from a trip to the ladies’ room, we understand that these complaints are merely an expression of envy at the intriguing aspect of our lifestyle that is the ladies’ room.

  Ladies Who Lunch, noun

  Even before there were restaurants, there were the ladies who lunch. After all, who better to organize a silent-auction fundraiser to save the dinosaurs? As the millennia passed and the earth experienced radical climate fluctuations, these well-appointed ladies adapted by slipping on their cashmere cardigans or signaling for the waiter to tilt the blinds and diffuse the direct sunlight on the table. In recent history, the ladies who lunch have thrived as society has made critical advancements in valet-parking sciences and dressing-on-the-side technology.

  Lady Butt, noun

  Disorienting to men and women alike, lady butt occurs when a man’s derriere is indistinguishable from a woman’s when viewed from, um, behind. Coined during the 2010 Winter Olympics, the term received heavy use during the men’s skiing competitions as the form-fitted ski suits required for the sport have a tendency to accentuate and amplify any existing feminine qualities in a man’s bottom. For example: “I thought that was Lindsey Vonn until he turned around. Man, that dude has got some wicked lady butt.”

  Lady of Your Station, phrase

  A phrase that is used to denote a woman’s genteelness and to point out that perhaps she has or is about to stray into an activity or environment that is beneath her in some respect. This phrase is typically uttered by a concerned companion as a way of gently persuading the woman in question to reconsider her current course of action before suffering perhaps irreparable damage to her reputation. For example, a concerned companion might say, “Begging your pardon, Your Majesty, but it might be best if a lady of your station were not photographed by the press whilst holding her beer bong.”

  Ladywood, noun

  A slang term for female sexual arousal in a general sense, presumably a play on the practice of calling a male erection a “woody.” Taken a step further, ladywood can refer specifically to the physical swelling of the clitoris and surrounding labia during arousal. Then again, if you take two giant steps back, the term can be used much more
generally about anything you find very appealing, as in, “Damn, those platform Louboutins are giving me ladywood’I must have them!”

  Landing Strip, noun

  The Indiana Jones of pubic topiary, the landing strip is an ideal choice for today’s wash-n-go girl, offering clean, classic lines and a reasonable upkeep schedule. A utilitarian look that works on everyone from grad student to grandma, the landing strip consists of a neat stripe of hair about yay big that bisects the mons and is easily concealed by even the skimpiest bikini bottom. Travel enthusiasts take note: the landing strip has by far the most transportation-

  oriented name of all the pubic topiary designs.

  Layers, noun

  As with bangs (see also: bangs), the decision to cut layers into your hair is one not to be taken lightly as it has long-term consequences that are determined by a variety of factors. For example, do you have fuzzy, curly, or flyaway hair? If so, it’s likely that layers, particularly dramatic ones, will completely ruin your life. (Yes, of course it looks great when you’re leaving the salon’that’s how they get you!) Seriously, you’re going to need hats, and lots of them. On the other hand, do you have pin-straight hair that flows like a silk curtain whether you blow-dry it or not? Okay, that’s super annoying.

  LBD, acronym

  Acronym for “little black dress,” a universally acknowledged staple of a woman’s wardrobe and one of the most versatile items of clothing you’re likely to own. The intrinsic power of the LBD is that it looks like a million bucks on you whether you’re taking a post-brunch seaside stroll or working the red carpet at a premiere. Beyond versatility, however, is the LBD mystique’the one that telegraphs that you are the kind of fashion assassin who can reach into her closet on a moment’s notice and effortlessly whip out not a bowling shirt, not a prairie skirt, but a little black number that looks to have been custom-made to showcase your figure. Note: this kind of woman also has a statistically high likelihood of owning a train case and/or having a knack for putting her hair up in a flawless French twist (see also: train case, French twist).