The Chicktionary Read online

  Menopause, noun

  Term for the phase of life in which a woman’s ovaries officially retire, at which point they are taken out to lunch, given a gold watch in gratitude for their years of faithful service, and sent home to change into elastic-waist pants and start boning up on things like herb gardening and writing angry letters to the editor of the local weekly. This can be a tricky transition for many women, especially those who are not accustomed to bursting into flames without warning (see also: hot flash). For many, however, menopause signals a welcome transition into a stage of life that leaves behind the nuisance of menstruation (see also: Festival of Menses, Aunt Flo) and ushers in an era of increased confidence and contentment’a state that is much more likely to endure if you never ever look up “menopause” on the Internet.

  Merkin, noun

  A small “wig” or patch of hair, feathers, or sequins affixed to the pubic area. The merkin has been around for hundreds of years and got its start in showbiz while working in brothels, where it disguised the fact that the prostitutes had either shaved off their pubic hair for hygienic reasons or had lost it as a side effect of treatment for STDs. More recently, the merkin has taken a higher-profile role on stage and screen where it is worn by performers either as a strategic cover-up or to conform to the historical pubic styles of the play or film’s era, which may predate such contemporary pubic topiary arrangements as the landing strip and Hitler ’stache. Beyond the entertainment industry, the merkin can also be seen glistening in the sun at events with the most relaxed of dress codes, such as outdoor music festivals.

  Messy Bun, noun

  A cute, convenient, and easy up-do that works on any hair texture and can be created by even the most hair-inept. To make your own messy bun, simply gather your hair into a loose ponytail, twirl it into a bun, then wrap the hair tie of your choice around the bun to secure it. The messy bun can also be held in place by a strategically placed chip clip (see also: chip clip). Don’t want to start with the ponytail? No problem! Just crush your hair into a wad and lock it in place with a tie or clip. Droopy bun? Great! Off-center bun? Very avant-garde! The beauty of the messy bun is that it’s supposed to look casual, freeform, and, well, messy. Note: the “messy” aspect of the messy bun does not include add-ons such as grass clippings and bits of dried breakfast cereal (see also: nasty bun).

  Metrosexual, noun

  Although its exact origin is disputed, the term metrosexual is understood to refer to a man who embraces behaviors not usually attributed to the typical, “old-fashioned” male, such as paying acute attention to personal grooming and attire as well to more general issues of style, trends, and popular culture. An accomplished shopper, the metrosexual stays on top of developments in the world of fashion and has exacting standards when it comes to purchases relating both to his appearance and his home. Although use of the term itself appears to be waning since its peak in 2005, metrosexuals continue to be a thriving, vibrant slice of society and can be observed in virtually every urban center, particularly in the shopping district.

  MILF, acronym

  An acronym for a crude phrase that roughly translates as “mom I’d like to ‘friend in the extreme’,” the MILF is as much a part of the contemporary social landscape as the corner gas station or coffee dispensary. Today’s moms pride themselves on being fit, groomed, and engaged in the world outside the home. These developments have opened new sexual vistas for men who would never have given a second glance to the stereotypical moms of yesteryear. Whether she is aware of it or not, the MILF gathers appreciative looks from nearby men as she bends fetchingly over the side of the stroller to wipe the crusty nose of her sixteen-month-old, particularly from the men who either have unresolved issues with their mothers or who are frightened by unattached, available women.

  Mohawk/Fauxhawk, noun

  Two variations on a pubic topiary design theme in which the center ridge of pubic hair is shaped to stand straight up in an elevated stripe. In the Mohawk version, the hair on both sides of the stripe is waxed or shaved away, whereas the fauxhawk “fakes it” by leaving all the hair intact, but coaxing it to stand up in a ridge along its center. Based on an ancient hairstyle used by many cultures to intimidate their enemies when facing them in battle, it is not clear if the pubic Mohawk/fauxhawk is also worn to inspire fear in those who approach it.

  Mom Jeans, noun

  Catchall, derogatory term for unstylish, unflattering jeans that appear to place a higher value on utilitarian comfort than on fashion. Typically high-waisted (see also: high-waisted jeans) and/or baggy (but not in a good way), so-called mom jeans exist in a category all their own and are not linked to any particular style moment when they were sold in stores. Instead they seem to have appeared spontaneously in the back of a closet where they emerged, like the walking catfish, as a hiccup in denim’s evolutionary chain.

  Fun fact No one knows exactly how our nation’s mothers got smeared with responsibility for this fashion offense, but as soon as the guilty parties are identified, you can bet they are going to be on one hell of a timeout.

  Monogram, noun

  In the context of a wedding, a monogram is often an artful depiction of the couple’s initials used to decorate invitations, napkins, note cards, and other matrimonial gear. Outside of the wedding context, however, the monogram winks at you from the pages of a clothing catalog, raising questions in your mind and luring you toward the monogram lifestyle, the very idea of which gives you an uncontrollable urge to pop your collar, slip on deck shoes, and dump everything you own into a huge canvas tote. Resist the temptation. Unfortunately, you neither own a sailboat nor enjoy lobster wrestling. Also, you live in New Mexico.

  Mons, noun

  1. Also known as the mons pubis, this is the cushion of tissue that lies atop a woman’s pubic bone. Even cooler, it’s also called the mons veneris or “mound of Venus.” As the most readily visible portion of a woman’s genital area, the mons serves as the canvas for any manner of artful sculpting of the pubic hair (see also: topiary). The mons serves as handy, built-in protection for the pubic bone during intercourse in the same way a stadium cushion protects your tailbone during playoff games, only sexier. 2. A city in Belgium. (Random!)

  Moobs, noun

  A syllable-saving combination of “man” and “boobs,” moobs is one of those words that, once you acquire it, you use it so much that it pays for itself in about three days. Why is this the case? Because moobs are everywhere’lolling at the beach, swinging at the gym, and winking playfully from the armholes of tank tops in the park. Not to be confused with pecs, moobs are the pliable, muscle-free mounds that hang in a decidedly breasty way on some men’s chests regardless of age. Most women will agree that, even though there may well be a pair of them at home whose owner they adore, moobs are, as a rule, best kept under wraps in public.

  Mrs. Potato Head, noun

  1. A slang term for a woman who has had so many plastic surgery and/or facial rejuvenation procedures that she appears extremely artificial, as if she is comprised of separate, unrelated parts that have been haphazardly assembled. Mrs. Potato Head is typically blissfully unaware of others’ reactions to the results of her aggressive beautification measures and takes their polite silence as tacit approval or even encouragement to undertake additional procedures. You know, Mrs. Potato Head, we thought you looked really pretty the way you were. 2. Mr. Potato Head’s wife.

  Muffin Tops, noun

  Irresistibly attractive yet widely misunderstood “dunes of delight” that can be found nestled above the waistbands of virtually every woman of healthy weight in the continental United States. (At least, the ones you would want to be friends with.) The presence of muffin tops has been positively correlated with such attributes as superior intellect, exquisite fashion sensibility, and shiny, manageable hair. Named for the portion of a muffin that bulges over the top of the muffin pan during baking, it is said that some muffin tops actually do emit the aroma of freshly baked bread.

 
; Mustache, noun

  The unwanted (right!?) hair on a woman’s upper lip that can vary widely in color and density from a downy white-blonde fuzz to a brambly brunette thicket. For women who seek to remove or otherwise obscure their mustaches, a number of methods are available including bleaches, waxes, hair-dissolving creams, and handheld devices designed to rip the offending hairs out by their roots. It is worth noting that one’s propensity for growing a mustache can change dramatically with age, leaving one with the disturbing notion that it’s possible to go to bed as Kristen Stewart and wake up as Groucho Marx.

  Mystery Friend, noun

  The mystery friend is someone who greets you with over-the-top excitement and familiarity but whom you only vaguely remember. As she clamps a huge hug on you in the supermarket aisle, you wrack your brain trying to place her in your personal history. She looks like that girl from the scuba class you took before your Belize trip two years ago, but you hardly knew her. She sure knows you, though. She asks about your uncle’s gall bladder surgery, your promotion at work, and whether you still suspect your yoga teacher is flirting with your boyfriend. Now she’s suggesting that you two get together but you’re wondering how long it’s going to take her to realize you don’t know her name.

  N

  Nails, noun

  Short for “fingernails,” this seems like a pretty simple concept … on the surface. There’s nothing simple about a woman’s nails, however, because even though they appear to be the same little tabs of keratin that are found on the ends of most humans’ fingers, they are, in fact, ten tiny billboards that constantly send messages about their owner. Are you fancy, tough, high-maintenance? Do you follow trends or stay with understated classics? Are you into hardware such as tips, acrylics, and dangling charms? Would you never be caught outside your home with chipped polish or do you go for weeks between manicures? Bottom line: when it comes to gaining information about a woman, if you “talk to the hand,” the hand will talk to you.

  New Year’s Eve, noun

  One of two popular holidays (see also: Valentine’s Day) saddled with huge societal expectations that, let’s be honest here, never pan out. Unlike Valentine’s Day, New Year’s Eve seeks to move beyond the confines of your romantic life and make you feel like crap about pretty much every aspect of your existence. After all, what have you done with the past twelve months of your time? Gotten a promotion, lost that stubborn ten pounds, turned your idea for the GluteMistress 9000 into a personal fortune? And you think scrawling a list of resolutions on the back of a Der Wienerschnitzel bag is going to change something for you? Here, put this sequined thing on your head and drink this.

  New Year’s Resolutions, noun

  The traditional set of personal commitments (usually oriented toward self-improvement) that many people make when looking ahead to the coming year (see also: gym membership). As the old saying goes, “Promises are made to be broken.” Nowhere is this truer than in the case of New Year’s resolutions which, scribbled earnestly on legal pads and cocktail napkins as midnight approaches, are largely abandoned in the cold light of January. After all, they’re just promises you made to yourself, right? Who knows better than you just how hard you’re trying? Walk to the mailbox instead of driving? Have dinner with your parents twice a year? Stop sending nude photos of yourself to your boyfriend’s boss? Geez, who can live up to these kinds of expectations?

  Nip Slip, noun

  Short for “nipple slip,” the nip slip occurs when one of your nipples escapes the article of clothing meant to contain it and makes for daylight, thus exposing itself to public view and likely exposing you, the owner, to extreme embarrassment. An occurrence that has been thoroughly documented thanks to the rise in the legions of paparazzi that observe all celebrities at all times, the nip slip raises several questions, such as Who knew these little buggers were such a flight risk? and Did this ever happen to Cleopatra? Today, many busy women rely on the popular “Where Are Your Nipples?” iPhone app to track and monitor their breasts and help prevent unintentional public nipple viewings.

  Not-So-Fresh Feeling, noun

  Injected into the popular consciousness decades ago by an infamous series of douche commercials, the not-to-fresh feeling has been stalking females ever since. And, like many catch phrases that percolate through pop culture, its original source has become obscured and its meaning broadened, leaving many contemporary women wondering about the source and strength of this not-so-freshness. What if it has migrated from our lady parts to foul our armpits? Our breath? How can we be expected to concentrate on having sparkling smiles and volumized hair with this nonfresh funk hanging over us? And, keeping in mind the value that society places on female freshness in all forms (see also: freshness), what in God’s name is to be done about it?

  O

  Office Spouse, noun

  A person of the opposite sex to whom you are intimately connected in the workplace, but with whom you are not romantically involved. Your office spouse knows your habits, your food allergies, how you take your coffee, how to inspire you to excel, and how to build you back up after you’ve been crushed. Depending on your job, he or she may also be a better traveling companion than your real spouse. In fact, many people’s relationships with their work spouses are happier, smoother, and more productive than any other relationships in their lives. That being said, it might be tempting to upgrade and expand your office spouse relationship to that of “real” spouse. Then again, why wreck it?

  Old Lady Butt, noun

  Not to be confused with lady butt (a men’s condition), old lady butt occurs most often when your derriere is compressed within the confines of a tight or poorly cut garment, causing the entire region to appear withered or misshapen or, in extreme cases, to disappear altogether. Most notable to the condition is the apparent fusing of the two hemispheres of the butt into a single, unnatural-looking unit. Contrary to its name, old lady butt can strike a woman of any age and, for reasons that are not fully understood, the condition becomes critical if any attempt is made to wear leather pants.

  One Night Stand, noun

  A spontaneous sexual encounter that is acknowledged by both parties or’just as often’only one party, as being a one-off occurrence. Although the one night stand can provide emotional excitement, the thrill of pursuit, and sexual satisfaction, the distraction that accompanies these activities often results in an unfortunate lack of communication resulting in misunderstandings as to the status of the coupling and its classification on a going-forward basis. More often than not, it is the female participant who walks away from the one night stand (see also: walk of shame) under the mistaken impression that, rather than an exhilarating but terminal evening of sexual adventure, she has instead just launched a long-term and exclusive relationship (see also: bunny boiler).

  One-Piece, noun

  A shorthand term for a women’s one-piece swimsuit, although no one ever says “one-piece swimsuit.” To the female ear, a tidal wave of subtext is unleashed when a woman says that she’s planning to wear a one-piece on an outing to, say, a beach or resort. Subtextual packets of information communicated by this statement include but are not limited to the following: 1) she is not currently feeling confident about her figure, 2) she is still skittish after the last outing when that big wave knocked her bottoms right off, 3) she has not completed her tramp stamp-removal treatments (see also: tramp stamp), 4) she will be supervising small children on this outing, and 5) she will be swimming the English Channel.

  Orgasm, noun

  A term for sexual climax that can be applied to either gender. The highly prized orgasm can come about as a result of self-stimulation of the desired genital area(s) or stimulation of such areas by one or more other parties. Physiologically speaking, the orgasm includes deeply pleasurable muscle contractions along with increased blood pressure as well as heart and respiration rates. Neighborly speaking, the orgasm can also exhibit rhythmic wall and headboard thumping, boisterous repetitive chanting, shrieking
of anything from profanities to the combination to your old bike lock, and prolonged nonverbal issuances ranging from moaning to staccato yelping to any of a variety of calls typically heard in nature’s wilds.

  Orgy, noun

  A totally fantastical, made-up notion in which a bunch of people’strangers, even!’meet up, take off their clothes, and have all different kinds of sex and snack foods. Although this is a wildly appealing concept, we all know that no one has these supposed get-togethers because if they did, statistically speaking, we would have been invited to one by now. And so, while it’s fun to fantasize for a short time about spectacular things we wish were true, it’s probably best to move on and stop thinking about this thing called an orgy, which, as we’ve established, does not exist.

  Overconfirmer, noun

  A male who needs constant reassurance that his female companion is, in fact, having a good time. The overconfirmer’s arsenal of inquiries is a hefty one, allowing him to launch frequent queries throughout an evening, including, “Are you having fun?” “Is this all right?” “Aren’t you glad we did this?” and “This is great, huh?” Some women may enjoy dating a man who takes on the persona of an overly solicitous maitre d’, however, it is generally acknowledged that most women will, after a prolonged barrage of these inquiries, respond in a manner that is startlingly similar to that of a wild boar repeatedly prodded with a sharp stick.

  Overeager, adjective

  This term is the flipside of playing hard-to-get (see also: hard-to-get) and describes a woman who makes herself too available to a man she finds attractive, thus violating the widely accepted cardinal rule of dating, which states that the male shall be the chaser and the female shall be the chased. The term overeager is most often found in the vicinity of phrases such as “stop throwing yourself at him” and “make him work for it,” all of which are likely to be spoken to the woman in question by another, caring female. (Hi, Mom.) Examples of overeager behavior could include posting nude photos of yourself on his Facebook page, cruising past his house every fifteen minutes while blasting that Taylor Swift song, and inquiring whether he has strong feelings about hot air-balloon weddings.