The Chicktionary Read online

  French Twist, noun

  Here we go again with the fancy French stuff. The French twist is an excruciatingly chic hairdo that has been immortalized on some of the most beautiful and iconic women of the twentieth century. The French twist is created by twirling your hair up against the back of your head and tucking the ends inside, creating what the French refer to as “le wad.” Next, jam approximately four thousand bobby pins into le wad while simultaneously emptying three cans of Aqua Net onto your head and cursing like a longshoreman. When your vision clears, use a hand mirror to view the back of your head (which should by now have the high-gloss sheen of a beetle’s back) and admire your handiwork. Voila!

  Frenemy, noun

  The individual in your group of friends, likely female, whom you love to hate. Sure, you can tolerate splitting a cab to happy hour, but she always tries to outdo you by telling you about the new restaurant you have to try (but can’t afford on your paycheck) or by posting 314 photos of her ahmazing trip to Fiji on Facebook. You secretly (or not so secretly) want to slug her … but you also kind of want to be her.

  Freshness, noun

  A mystical and highly desirable state that encompasses all things female. The quality of freshness should be apparent in your breath, your demeanor, your laundry, your scent, your hair, the new skin underneath the scaly layer you’re making the rest of us look at, and your view of the world. Your approach should be fresh, along with your manicure/pedicure, and, if your makeup no longer looks fresh, then you should hightail it to the ladies’ room and take care of that. Inattention to the myriad aspects of female freshness can lead to a condition known as catastrophic freshness fail (see also: not-so-fresh feeling).

  Friendly, noun

  A person who may appear to be a member of your inner circle of friends, but in fact is not. One level higher than an acquaintance on the friend scale, the friendly may be someone from work, or perhaps a person you talk to each day at the gym, even the neighbor with whom you chat while walking your dog each evening. There is an invisible barrier between you, however, and whether she realizes it or not, the friendly’s security clearance is restricted. She may know about the fight you just had with your boyfriend, but she doesn’t know that you put his stupid Rams jersey in the donation box at the Salvation Army … because she’s just a friendly.

  Friends with Benefits, noun

  A term that denotes a relationship between two friends that includes sex but does not involve the emotional involvement or commitment that traditionally accompanies a sexual relationship. A relatively recent concept that has emerged as the frontier of sexual freedom has been pushed further and further into the underbrush, the friends with benefits notion is not for the emotionally faint of heart. Rather, it requires the setting of manageable boundaries between two people who share an affectionate respect for one another, are mutually attracted on a physical level, and who have open, healthy channels of communication. As you can see, this is an entirely different dynamic than that of a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship.

  Friend Zone, noun

  A social categorization that corrals people whom you like but whom you do not consider to have romantic and/or sexual potential. Placement in the friend zone is accompanied by a “neutering” process that strips away any hormone-activating aspects of that person, leaving in their wake qualities such as “sweet,” “fun,” and the decidedly nonhot “nice.” Placement in the friend zone is particularly frustrating to those who hope to generate a romantic connection because it is nearly impossible to upgrade one’s status and regain sexual cachet after having been grouped with all those other sweet/nice people. What is the world coming to when people judge you to be kind and reliable without giving you a chance to show what a heartless, manipulative jerkwad you really are?

  Fugly, adjective

  Sometimes, when “ugly” just isn’t going to get it done, you have no choice but to perform the linguistic version of stomping on the gas by welding the inflammatory “fuck” onto the front of the word. Mash them together and you’ve got the ideal blend of profanity and put-down: an insult perfect storm. Although fugly carries an obvious negative connotation, in the future you can expect this pattern of word creation to spawn more positive words as well, including “funusual,” “fincredible,” and “fawesome.”

  G

  Gag Reflex noun

  1. A totally legitimate condition in which the back of the throat is so sensitive to sensation that even the slightest stimulation evokes an immediate gagging response in an effort to eject the offending item causing said stimulation. 2. A made-up and highly effective excuse that is sometimes claimed by a woman who is, for one reason or another, not terribly motivated to perform oral sex on a male or who is ready to segue out of an oral sex session already in progress due to uncomfortably aggressive ramming by the male. Note: the effectiveness of this term can be exponentially increased when paired with the term “lockjaw.”

  Garter, noun

  An embellished elasticized band worn on the thigh by a bride. The garter is typically made of satin or silk and lace and often is light blue in color, satisfying the “something blue” portion of the wedding tradition as well as the “something slutty” practice that has gained popularity in recent years. At the wedding reception, the groom removes the bride’s garter to great fanfare and the wedding-band version of “The Stripper,” then flicks it into the crowd of male onlookers to a chorus of “You’re next, Dude!” The garter then hangs from the rearview mirror of the recipient’s Honda where it will be a badge of honor in the mall parking lot for years to come.

  Gauche, adjective

  Like “chic,” this is one of those words that automatically locks up your jaw and makes you feel superior to everyone else in the room. Also like “chic,” you’re not sure exactly what qualifies for this label, you just know it’s a really classy slam. A close cousin to “tacky,” gauche seems to be the put-down of choice for something that has an inherent air of upper crust about it. For instance, you might say that your great aunt’s wearing of her heirloom diamond brooch on her bathrobe was gauche, whereas her wearing said bathrobe to the liquor store was tacky. See the difference?

  Gaucho Pants, noun

  Also known simply as gauchos, gaucho pants are inspired by and named for the wide, cropped pants typically worn by traditional South American “cowboys” or vaqueros. Most often made from stretchy, flowing fabric, gaucho pants have the swirl and panache that’s missing from their tight-lipped cousins the culottes (see also: culottes). Unfortunately, gaucho pants present a serious footwear dilemma when removed from the pampas and placed into an urban context; they are too casual to wear with dressy shoes, casual shoes make them look like cut-off sweatpants, and, if you wear boots with them you end up looking like an extra from one of the Pirates of the Caribbean movies.

  Gay Male Friend, noun

  The gay male friend (GMF) is a near-perfect nonromantic companion for today’s female. Taking up where typical female friendships leave off, the GMF relationship injects a masculine point of view into the mix while avoiding much of the stereotypical stealth competitiveness that can torpedo some female friendships. That’s not to say that GMF relationships are perfect, or even superior, but rather a uniquely delightful component of a fortunate woman’s inner social circle. As many women will attest, when life poses those tough questions, it’s often the GMF who can be relied upon to provide the, um, straightest answer.

  George Glass, proper noun

  Originally invented by Jan on The Brady Bunch after “Marcia, Marcia, Marcia” won yet another boy’s heart, George Glass is now the generic term for an imaginary boyfriend. Most often invoked in an effort to hide the fact that you are single or currently sleeping with someone else’s husband, your George Glass will likely have a (lucrative!) career that keeps him traveling at least two-thirds of every month, although he’d obviously rather be home with you. An advanced imaginary-boyfriend enthusiast will occasionally break up with her George Glass
just to make sure he doesn’t start taking her for granted.

  Giant Sunglasses, noun

  Popular among celebrities and mortals alike, oversized sunglasses are available in three diameters: 1) coaster, 2) flower pot, and 3) cruise ship porthole. Arguably the next best thing to put on your face if you have to run out to the store without your makeup and you don’t happen to have the windshield of a 747 handy. Paradoxically, giant sunglasses serve to obscure the identity of the wearer while simultaneously screaming, “Hey, get a load of me! I’m wearing big-ass sunglasses!” In addition to hiding the evidence of last night’s unfortunate absorption of an entire cluster of Worcestershire-Tequila Skull Scourers, giant sunglasses apparently also protect your eyes from something called “the sun’s harmful rays.”

  Gift with Purchase, noun

  A magical retail term that arouses passion in even the most miserly of females. It is estimated that approximately $38 billion is spent each year by women attempting to meet the minimum purchase requirement and qualify for a “free” faux-vinyl cosmetic bag filled with a sample of eyebrow-firming elixir, a tube of forest green mascara, and a two-ounce bottle of Sex Me Up Wild Artichoke eau de toilette with a malfunctioning sprayer. (See also: while supplies last!)

  Girl Friday, noun

  An archaic term used almost exclusively by a male to describe a female assistant. Derived from the name of the character in Robinson Crusoe who was rescued from cannibalistic sacrifice to become the protagonist’s unquestioning manservant for the rest of his days, the term girl Friday was once quite common in the business world and conveyed the idea that the woman in question was skilled at performing almost any task requested of her and therefore indispensable. Over time, however, the girls of Friday’along with those of the other workdays’began to feel that success in a position named for a captive servant was much less likely than it was for their male counterparts who were given clever nicknames such as “manager” and “account executive.”

  Girdle, noun

  Your grandmother probably wore one, and your great-grandmother certainly did, but as a modern woman, you have other, more advanced options for figure control (see also: Spanx). The girdle is an old-fashioned undergarment that was once the staple of a grown woman’s underwear arsenal (see also: foundation garment). Unyielding and extremely structured, the traditional girdle came in a range of forms, from a simple steel-belted panty to an hourglass-enforcing device of continental proportions.

  Girl Scout Cookies, noun

  The SCUD missile of dessert items, Girl Scout cookies can blast through the most impenetrable of diets and make rubble of ironclad New Year’s resolutions faster than you can say “I’ll take four boxes of Samoas.” What is it about these things? You know if they were on the supermarket shelves, you’d walk right past them without a second look, right? Is it their limited-time availability? The fact that you get hit up for them at the office when you’d rather do anything but finish writing that report? Is it the smiles of little girls whose hopes and dreams have not yet been crushed under the boulder of life’s realities? More importantly, is anyone selling them here today, right now? We’ve got CASH, people!

  Girly-Girl, noun, adjective

  This term has many shades, all of them pink. The girly-girl is a self-proclaimed enthusiast of all things feminine’the rufflier the better. As such, she adheres to strict, traditional gender roles and can often be found sitting in a car, waiting for a man to come around and open the door for her. In its use as an adjective, the term girly-girl can carry a positive, neutral, or negative connotation. For instance, if you are up at bat in a softball game and someone on the field yells out “girly-girl batter,” you have been disparaged and should retaliate by smoking the crap out of the ball and clearing the back fence.

  Give Up, verb

  We’ve all been there’when all the upkeep, the grooming, the exercising, all of it, just feels so futile, so pointless (see also: throwing in the towel, hanging it up). It’s hard not to have these days every once in a while, especially when your hormones have gone rogue and you are getting a beat-down from Aunt Flo. The good news is that everyone feels this way sometimes, no matter how fabulous they may appear to be. You know, for instance, that even Lady Gaga looks in the bathroom mirror sometimes and thinks, Geez, what a project. Tonight I’m just going to stay in, wear my fat pants, and watch The Bodyguard.

  Gladiator Sandals, noun

  Another item in the realm of combative footwear for women (see also: over-the-knee boots), gladiator sandals are the perfect choice for the woman who tries on a pair of regular sandals, looks in the mirror, and says to the salesclerk, “These are cute, but do you have anything bloodthirstier?” Constructed of multiple leather straps that, on some styles, reach all the way to the knee, the gladiator sandal sends the message that, in addition to gum, tissues, and car keys, an inventory of the wearer’s handbag will also yield a trident.

  Glamazon, noun

  A term formed from the combination of “Amazon” and “glamour” and used to describe a woman who is typically large in stature, extremely devoted to fashion, and potentially warlike. Borrowing from the fierce, threatening nature of history’s Amazon women’those bands of female warriors who routinely suited up to whup male heinie on any number of battlefields’today’s glamazon stalks the earth unapologetically, her very beauty and fashion savvy striking fear into all who behold her.

  Goddess, noun

  A benevolent female title applied to oneself or bestowed by others that indicates exceptional powers or tendencies in a particular capacity. Although often confused with diva or maven, goddess conveys neither the high-maintenance behaviors of the diva (see also: diva) nor the strategic social influence of the maven (see also: maven). Rather, the goddess seeks to shed loving, helpful light on those around her, who are in turn awed by her gracious selflessness. For example, if you were taking a sewing class and ran out of thread, the diva would claim she had none to spare, the maven would explain what type of thread you should buy and why, and the goddess would give you all of her thread and maybe even rub your feet.

  Granny Panties, noun

  The wearable version of comfort food (see also: comfort food), granny panties are like an intimate hug from an old, asexual friend. After a day in the grating clutches of a lace thong, or even the less constricting but potentially wandering hipster, there are few garments as understanding’as deeply accepting’as the granny panty. There is no judgment in these drawers, not a whiff of reproach. There is only the safe, snug harbor that awaits in your dresser drawer each day, ready to welcome you once again into its voluminous folds where it will caress you as always with its cotton or cotton-nylon-blend embrace.

  Greige, adjective

  A portmanteau of “gray” and “beige” that forms the name of the color created when these two shades are combined. Recently rotated to the top of the trendy-colors list, greige has become the “hot” shade for nails as well as interior design, making it difficult to flip through a fashion or home magazine without encountering this impossible-to-nail-down color on fingertips and/or walls. Is it gray? Is it beige? Does it compliment any skin tone? And what’s next on the color-combo horizon? Grellow? Blorange?

  Gunne Sax, noun

  A retro brand of cotton formal dresses that peaked in popularity in the seventies. At the time, the typically multitiered, printed Gunne Sax formal was the height of fashion for tween and teen girls attending school dances and other special occasions that called for their faux-prairie finest. To utter the phrase “Gunne Sax” is to evoke an entire fashion vibe that included feathered hair (or at least you tried to make it feather), clunky wooden platforms, a fringed suede purse, Bonne Bell lip gloss, and a generous spritzing of either Love’s Baby Soft or Charlie! Next stop: Funky Town.

  Gym Membership, noun

  A key component of the long and rewarding process of pretending to commit to a fitness regimen. Each and every day, millions of people tour their local health clubs where th
ey scrutinize locker room facilities, ask penetrating questions about elliptical-machine availability, and somberly observe spin classes like diplomats touring a developing nation. Time-consuming as it is, this is a crucial step toward selecting the gym you will avoid going to for months’or even years (see also: New Year’s resolutions). Once a member, you’ll begin to enjoy the benefits of seeing your monthly membership charge on your credit card statement and, seasons later when you’ve forgotten exactly where that gym is, you’ll still feel a buzz of pride and think, Damn, I’m glad I joined that gym.

  Gynie, noun

  A cute but grating nickname for your gynecologist. There seem to be two schools of thought on how to interact with one’s gynecologist. The first involves a casual, folksy approach with the goal of making the exam as unintimidating as possible. Common strategies include leaving a complimentary soy latte by the sink in the exam room, inviting your doctor to be your Facebook friend, and addressing him or her as “Chief,” “Sport,” or “Doctor Awesome.” The second approach is more formal and dictates that you direct all medical questions to the receptionist (when she’s off the phone with her boyfriend), keep your eyes respectfully on the ceiling for the duration of the appointment, and, if you must speak directly to your doctor, address him or her as “Your Excellency.”

  H

  Handbag, noun

  Also commonly known as a purse, a woman’s handbag is a microcosm of her lifestyle, serving both as a receptacle for the items she requires while on the go and as a communicator of her style identity to the world at large. As such, the selection of a handbag is a delicate and complex one that must take function, fashion, and price point into consideration. Many males approach a woman’s purse with extreme wariness, and rightly so. To root through a woman’s purse is to explore her very psyche. This is a journey that most men, given the choice, would rather skip than risk encountering something that might give them pause, be it a pacifier, a litter of maxi pads, or a Saturday night special.