The Chicktionary Read online

  Face Shapes, noun

  Whether you like it or not, the shape of your face falls into one of several standard categories, which include oval, long, heart, round, and square. Some well-known examples of these shapes include Reese Witherspoon (heart), Charlie Brown (round), and Spongebob Squarepants (square). To determine the shape of your face, stand in front of a mirror, view your face, and ask yourself this question: “What shape is that?” Once you have identified your face shape, this information will influence many fashion decisions, such as hairstyle and earring choice. For example, if you have a “long” face, it’s inadvisable that you cut your hair into a short bob unless your goal is to look like a thumb wearing a Willy Wonka wig.

  Facial Mask, noun

  Also available in extra-fancy “masque” form, the facial mask is a pasty substance that you smear on your face then allow to dry, creating a Freddy-Kruegeresque effect that is supposed to tighten the skin, shrink the pores, stave off breakouts, and generally improve your disposition. When the mask dries to the point that you feel your jawbone is about to wither and drop off your face, gently rinse it off.

  Fun fact If you’ve been waiting impatiently for a package to arrive, slip into your rattiest T-shirt, liberally apply the facial mask of your choice, then sit back and wait. Your doorbell will ring.

  Fake Bake, noun

  Slang term for any kind of tan other than the one you get from actually being in the sun. Fake bake is most commonly used to refer to a faux tan that is aggressively unnatural looking, extreme (see also: tanorexic), or poorly applied. Dead giveaways of the fake bake include streaked legs, “suntanned” heels, dingy finger webs, and stained cuticles. In addition, the fake bake is often accompanied by an unfortunate orange cast to the skin (see also: whorange).

  Fake It, verb

  Pssst … can we let our hair down for a moment? There’s no one else around, so it’s safe to disclose the fact that sometimes’every now and then’a girl just needs some quality shuteye. That’s not to say your man is anything but a fuel-injected love locomotive. But occasionally your sacred love rites might feel less like a little slice of heaven and more like you’re being sawn in two by a very earnest magician. On these (rare!) occasions, most will agree that there’s no shame in conjuring your inner amateur thespian and easing the way toward a blissful night’s rest (as long as you remember to sell your performance all the way to the back row of the theater).

  False Eyelashes, noun

  These faux eyelash extenders come in a variety of forms and materials and can radically change the appearance of your eyes, giving them a lush, dramatic fringe. Not for the faint of heart or wobbly of hand, false eyelash application typically involves a package of eyelashes, tweezers, adhesive, and a lot of cussing. If you choose to apply individual eyelashes, expect to accidentally glue your eyelid shut two to four times. Using a single strip of lashes helps eliminate this problem, but increases your chances of looking down to find one of the strips nestled in your cleavage or clinging to an ice cube in your mojito.

  Fashion Police, noun

  The unfortunately fictitious squad of taste enforcers whose name is often invoked when witnessing an especially appalling style mishap (see also: fashion victim and “Glamour Don’t”). Although it’s unclear exactly what the bounds of the fashion police’s jurisdiction would be, it’s widely accepted that a legitimate and pressing need exists for this type of public service. Until the appropriate public policies are put into effect to allow direct intervention when fashion transgressions occur, society will have to rely on the existing websites, journalists, and bloggers who valiantly serve as whistleblowers on fashion’s mean streets.

  Fashion Victim, noun

  We’ve all seen them, lounging in the mall food court or mingling among guests at a special event. Although they can be observed in many forms and at many price points, an everyday example of a contemporary fashion victim might be someone wearing jeggings paired with gladiator sandals, embellished tank top, military jacket, fedora, and chandelier earrings. (No, not you! You look awesome.) Like potato chips, trends can be impossible to resist when you’ve had just one (see also: trendster/trendwreck). Resist you must, however, or risk creating an unstable fad pileup that will have even the Hot Dog on a Stick Girls snickering behind your back.

  Fat Pants, noun

  Fat pants are the linchpin of every girl’s wardrobe in that they perform a vital function called “keeping the dream alive.” What dream is that? The dream that all that ice cream and beef jerky you ate last weekend liquified and dribbled out through your socks during Tuesday’s four-minute treadmill “workout” rather than collecting in lumpy drifts between your belly button and knee caps. Fat pants are an instant pick-me-up when your regular jeans are annoyingly snug (see also: denim rage), allowing you to have a dialogue with yourself that goes something like this: “Hey, I thought I would have gained

  a couple of pounds from all the lasagna and chocolate mousse I ate at the company picnic, but check it out! These pants are totally loose on me!”

  Fauxga, noun

  A pernicious form of the centuries-old spiritual and physical practice of yoga that has been corrupted into a trendy, superficial workout fad. Particularly prevalent in “hip” urban centers, fauxga practitioners can readily be recognized by their sleek yoga outfits with coordinating accessories, the “Namaste” bumper stickers on their Range Rovers parked diagonally across two parking spaces, and the fact that they are the angriest-looking people barking into their iPhones while waiting in line at Starbucks.

  Fellatio, noun

  Although this sounds like the name of a stuffed puppet from some creepy kids’ play in your neighborhood park, it’s actually the official European name for oral sex performed on a man’s penis (see also: blowjob). Although some women resist performing fellatio (see also: gag reflex), others enjoy it immensely and welcome most any opportunity to perfect their “moves.” Note: fellatio is a legitimate term for this practice, however, it’s not often used in casual conversation, so it’s best not to refer to it as such or risk your boyfriend misunderstanding and thinking that he’s finally convinced you to do that thing with the pliers and the nonstick spray.

  Feminine Protection, noun

  A term that describes the category of products designed and marketed to ease a woman through her monthly period (see also: Aunt Flo, Festival of Menses). Deceptively tough-sounding, feminine protection products are basically made from clouds of snow-white cotton, some with feather-light linings, covers, and even wings (coming soon: rainbows!). The “protection” portion of the phrase begs the question: protection from what, exactly? Society’s unreasonable expectations? The harsh judgments of peers? The Man? Perhaps women seek refuge from Aunt Flo herself, who is so ruthless in her assault that at times only the most vigilant protection’yes, overnight protection’can hold her at bay.

  Festival of Menses, noun

  Menses is one of those medical words that at first you think must apply to some other species, like badgers, and then you find out that it does apply to you and you’re stuck with it. So you try to spruce it up and make the best of it, hence the festival. The festival of your period, that is (see also: Aunt Flo). Are you fooling anyone with this? Not unless your goal is to throw a party that no one, repeat no one, wants to attend.

  Figurine, noun

  A figurine is a small statue, usually made of glass or china. No one knows when or where the practice of collecting figurines began, but the rituals associated with it appear not to have changed for centuries. In a nutshell, you buy a figurine, take it home, and place it alongside the others you have collected. For fun, you dust it, wonder how much you overpaid for it, and warn others not to do something stupid and knock it over. At some point, you begin using the word “valuable” to describe it, although others are overheard using words like “disturbing.” Figurines are often passed down to younger generations as cherished keepsakes (see also: garage sale).

  Fill, noun
r />   The term that describes the process of getting your acrylic nails (see also: acrylic nails) partially reapplied by a nail professional. On average, a fill is performed every ten to fourteen days, the highlight of which is when the esthetician uses a small but lethal pair of nippers to pry any remotely loose portions of acrylic covering from the nails with an aggressive bending and digging action that often leaves the nail owners quivering and drenched in flop sweat. After prolonged negotiations, the client comes to an understanding with the esthetician that the final shape of the new acrylic nails should be “kind of oval but partially squared off, but not super-squared off, you know, because that’s too harsh looking, so somewhere in between square and round and also not too long because last time they were a little too long … okay?”

  First Date, noun

  A highly anticipated social appointment for two people during which an extremely sophisticated system of mutual assessments is launched under the guise of “getting to know one another.” Once the first date finally comes about, the pressure is on because both parties know that they are in the process of creating memories that will either be lovingly related to their children and grandchildren one day, or told between howls of laughter to their friends the following day (in which case the term “first date” becomes synonymous with “last date”).

  Fit Model, noun

  This is the so-called “average-sized” woman on whom a clothing manufacturer will base a size in its line. This is an interesting concept, and one that conjures up a variety of images in consumers’ minds as they attempt to find clothing they can actually wear. For instance, when you try on a piece of clothing at a store, you may inspect its fit on your seemingly average body and wonder where the manufacturer found a fit model with a trapezoidal torso, forty-inch arms, the complete absence of a butt, and a waistline that falls three inches below her nipples.

  Flapjacks, noun

  A playful, folksy nickname given by a woman to her breasts when, for one reason or another, they have experienced a loss of elasticity and/or fullness, leaving them with a silhouette that is reminiscent of the popular breakfast disc. The use of this term in reference to herself can exhibit a woman’s healthy, realistic attitude with respect to the unreasonable expectations we often have about our physical appearances, as can be seen in the statement, “Hey, this dress makes my flapjacks look pretty good.” Conversely, it can be an indicator of a festering dissatisfaction that may eventually lead the speaker to seek a surgical remedy to the situation, as exemplified by the statement, “What’s the point of buying a cute bikini if these stupid flapjacks are just going to drag the top down to my navel?”

  Flexting, noun

  A contemporary mash-up of “flirting” and “texting” that gives everyone with a smidgen of technology at their disposal the ability (and courage) to send cute, intriguing messages to the objects of their affection … or at least their curiosity. As with all social interactions, flexting has a few ground rules. First, try not to be creepy; if your text could double as a line from a Wes Craven movie, keep it to yourself. Second, keep it clean, especially at first; no one wants to feel like she’s just received her annual exam via AT&T. And last, accuracy counts. How’d you like to check your phone and find a message waiting that read u nolg my harb fkank?

  Flirt, verb

  To direct any of a multitude of behaviors toward another party that may or may not intend to convey the desire to have sexual intercourse with that party. Flirting with someone’either intentionally or accidentally’activates a complex, multifaceted concept that is plagued with vast differences in interpretation based on the gender of the person receiving said flirting action. For instance, most women will accept mild flirting such as a compliment or appreciative glance as nothing more than a fleeting ego boost, whereas many men on the receiving end of such actions interpret them as a sign from God that it’s time to take off their pants.

  Flirtationship, noun

  A specific type of relationship that persists over time but exists solely on the flirtation level. You may have a flirtationship with your best friend’s brother, a coworker, or the baristo with the nice forearms who makes your latte five mornings a week. In any case, the flirtationship has’at least in your mind’clear boundaries around it and, for whatever reasons, is destined never to progress beyond the flirting stage. Not to be confused with “friends with benefits” (see also: friends with benefits) the flirtationship could more accurately be termed “friends without benefits.”

  Flower Girl, noun

  Female counterpart to the ring bearer, the flower girl is an excruciatingly adorable child whose task in the wedding ceremony is to do one or more of the following: 1) run screaming to her mother, father, or other approachable adult, 2) vehemently refuse to walk down the aisle under any circumstances, 3) jam her finger up her nose, 4) lie down, 5) make a loud, inappropriate announcement during exchange of vows (e.g., “I heard Grandma fart today!”), 6) scatter flower petals along the way to the altar, creating an extra-romantic path upon which the bride may tread.

  Food Porn, noun

  Any of the current popular television shows devoted to the preparation, celebration, and consumption of food. Often presented in eye-popping, mouth-watering, high definition, food porn presents the entire food-preparation ritual in highly eroticized form, from the gentle washing of camera-ready vegetables to the vigorous whisking of a naughty hollandaise sauce to the tremulous shimmy of a gelatin mold when freed from the confines of its aluminum form. Whether your taste runs toward gentle titillation (down-home recipes in sweet country cottages) or you like it rough (international teams of chefs battling it out in sleek studio kitchens), you can be certain that, somewhere on the channel listings, there is a show for you. Just promise we won’t walk in and find you basting.

  Foreplay, noun

  A rare and highly prized sexual practice in which the male primes the female for intercourse with a luxurious series of sensual treats, rather than simply pouncing on her and humping away like he’s auditioning for a cameo on Animal Planet. Examples of mood-

  setting foreplay include such activities as erotic massage, “dirty” talk, and the joint consumption of sexy food in bed (brisket, for example). For married folks, these examples can be expanded to include such activities as getting the car smog-checked before the deadline and putting both socks in the hamper. Although foreplay exists in many forms depending on personal tastes, it is safe to say that it does not include a nudge on the shoulder accompanied by the words, “You up?”

  Foundation Garment, noun

  The ominously named foundation garment comprises a category of women’s intimate apparel that, although rarely referred to by this outdated name, remains the (feel free to sing along) foundation of a woman’s wardrobe. Including all manner of bras, panties, and other under things, properly sized and designed foundation garments build a formidable superstructure that will suspend and present your clothing to the best possible effect. Besides, it’s fun to say “foundation garment” just to mess with people’s heads.

  Freeway Face, noun

  Slang term for the result of putting on one’s makeup while piloting a vehicle. Hallmarks of freeway face include foundation streaks, jumpy eyeliner, lipstick on teeth (see also: Cujo syndrome), uneven blush (depending on which side of the car received the most sunshine), and, in extreme cases, small welts from a portable butane curling iron. In addition to the downgraded appearance resulting from slipshod cosmetic application, freeway face exacts a societal cost as well, as the distraction of applying makeup while driving leads to countless fender-benders as well as the senseless flipping of millions of innocent birds.

  Freeway Penis, noun

  A playful term used by a woman to describe the vehicle of a male whose sense of manliness clearly resides in said vehicle, which in turn casts serious doubt on the existence of any additional evidence of manliness to be found on his person. Hallmarks of the freeway penis include exterior ornamentation such as after
-market air dams and whale tails (“my penis has extra stuff on it”), eye-catching graphics (“my penis is flamin’ hot”), the installation of devices that magnify engine sound (“my penis roars like a mighty cat”), and the purchase of so-called sports or “muscle” car models whose body designs resemble an actual penis (“my penis is really, um, penis-ish”).

  French Braid, noun

  An intricate form of hair twining that leaves your locks snug against your head and, if done too aggressively, your brain thumping like a sub-woofer. The female population can be divided into two subgroups: those who can French braid and those who can’t. Although the French braid is recognized as an adorable hairstyle for little girls and adolescents, it is generally agreed that, among adults, it is worn to greatest effect by female law enforcement officers. Interestingly, despite its name, the French have repeatedly denied responsibility for the creation and/or popularization of this hairstyle.

  French Tips, noun

  A manicure technique in which the ends of the fingernails are painted white while the rest of the nail is glossed over with its natural color. What is French about this? No one knows. It is suspected, however, that the people who created this name were hoping to piggyback on other super-cool things that start with “French,” such as French kiss and French fries. In addition to the obvious upgrade in swankiness, “French tips” rolls off the tongue much more smoothly than “Uzbekistanian tips.”