The Chicktionary Page 13

  Pregnancy, noun

  1. (First pregnancy) A magical period in a woman’s life during which she comes to realize just how magnificent the female body is while simultaneously processing the fact that not only does she no longer have a say in anything from her bathroom habits to her sleeping patterns, she also is spectacularly unqualified to care for an ice cream cake, much less a baby. It is also during this period that a woman’s hormones, with which she may already have felt familiar, begin to gush like a broken fire hydrant, sending her on a months-long bender of mood gulleys, energy spikes, and emotional bungee jumps that would have a Zen master reaching for a pack of Marlboros. Then, as suddenly as it began, pregnancy ends and scrapbooking begins. 2. (Subsequent pregnancies) Been there, done that.

  Press-On Nails, noun

  It sounds so simple, doesn’t it? Select your fabulous fake nails at your local drug store, crack them out of the blister-pack and, using industrial adhesive (a 0.000002-ounce tube of which is included in the package), apply them right on top of your flimsy, eyesore natural nails. Suddenly (see also: BAM!), you’ve got the alluring, she-devil talons of a seventies airline stewardess, primed to be dug into the haunches of the nearest Burt Reynolds look-alike. Then, just as things are heating up between you and Burt, you experience catastrophic adhesive failure and’shing!’your paws are shedding plastic ovals like someone throwing doubloons into the crowd at Mardi Gras.

  Prince Charming, proper noun

  Sighted less often than a giant panda, pursued more relentlessly than the Son of Sam, Prince Charming (yes, it’s capitalized) is the woman’s ultimate prize in the romantic world. An accomplished shape-shifter, Prince Charming is many things to many women, but whether your version gallops up on a snowy stallion or roars up on a champagne pearl Harley-Davidson Softail, the bottom line is that he gets you. According to the instructional films (see also: chick flicks), you probably already know your Prince Charming but have simply overlooked him because he is: 1) the lovable rogue who hasn’t met the right woman yet, 2) your brother’s gorgeous but aloof best friend who’s so besotted with you that he can’t speak in your presence, or 3) a diamond-in-the-rough male friend who simply needs a manly makeover.

  Proposal, noun

  The occasion upon which one person asks another to become engaged and, eventually, married. Proposals tend to fall into one of two categories: spontaneous or obsessively planned, each of which gives the recipient a preview of the iron-clad, seemingly endless marital relationship to come. Although every proposal is a unique and individual expression of love, resignation, or desperation, there are some things to watch out for when fielding the proposals that are no doubt coming your way, especially as compatibility is a significant factor in marital success. For example, if you are a person who is uncomfortable drawing attention to yourself, then any proposal involving a Jumbotron might warrant the response, “Thanks. Can I sleep on it?”

  Pubic Hair Dye, noun

  A Pantone-tastic alternative to the Brazilian bikini wax (see also: Brazilian wax), this dye allows you to take your flair for decorating all the way into your undies and upgrade the color of your pubic hair to a more desirable hue. Available at most beauty supply stores, pubic hair dye comes in “traditional” natural hair colors as well as eye-popping shades such as fuchsia, lilac, and turquoise that will surely get you noticed at your next nudist barbeque. Until a skin-friendly fabric adhesive is perfected, pubic hair dye will continue to be the closest thing to having a throw pillow for your crotch.

  Puff Daddy, noun

  Term for the noticeable bulge of a woman’s pubic area below the belly button. A natural contour of the female form, the puff daddy can suddenly become markedly apparent after a tummy-tuck procedure, which renders the waist smaller and flatter and inadvertently showcases the puff daddy. Naturally resistant to all forms of slimwear, the prominent bulge can pose a significant fashion challenge as it is almost impossible to camouflage. Beyond this practical difficulty, the presence of the puff daddy also flies in the face of the traditional female silhouette and, as a result, can cause confusion among those who encounter it.

  Pulse Points, noun

  The “correct” places on your body to apply perfume or other form of fragrance. The term’s name is derived from the fact that areas of your skin underneath which there is a strong pulse will be warmer and therefore more effective at heating and disseminating the fragrance. Commonly known pulse points include the wrists, inner elbows, and base of the throat, but why stop there? Serious fragrance enthusiasts will also want to douse the brachial pulse (inside upper arm), dorsalis pedis pulse (top of foot), and facial pulse (on the mandible). Sexy, huh?

  Puma, noun

  Often confused with the cougar (see also: cougar), the puma shares certain characteristics with her more experienced counterpart, but can typically be found instead in the twenty to thirty-five age range. The puma (a.k.a the pre-cougar) struts across the sexual tundra, identifying her prey without thought to long-term commitment or even day-after phone calls (see also: most men in this age group). She has her own agenda and she has her act together. And she definitely has worked through her daddy issues because she is interested exclusively in younger men, the less clingy the better.

  Push-Up Bra, noun

  Another item in the girl’s-best-friend file (see also: Spanx), the push-up bra succeeds where genetics do not, creating a voluptuous bustline on even the most modestly endowed chests. Through the applied use of physics, mechanical engineering, and even pneumatics, a well-made and properly fit push-up bra can give a woman the bosom she’s always wanted while making everyone else wonder if she got implants during that week she was supposedly getting her wisdom teeth pulled. If applied to a woman who already has generously sized breasts, the push-up bra earns its keep by hoisting “the girls” to their optimal altitude, where they can be admired by all who enter their realm.

  Q

  Queen Bee, noun

  A ruthless despot, the notorious queen bee relies on gossip, subterfuge, and intimidation to forward her agenda within a circle of female friends. An effective queen bee surrounds herself with minions (see also: stooge) who lack the fortitude to stand up to her, but rather serve as downtrodden lackeys as they do her bidding. The queen bee’s agenda often includes such goals as recruiting minions away from competing social circles, breaking up couples that include a male in whom she might be interested, and anything else that falls into the general category of being the boss of everyone.

  Quickie, noun

  1. A brief but mutually satisfying sexual encounter resulting when the demands of passion overrule the constraints of time. Known for its spontaneous nature, the quickie and its accompanying sense of urgency are no doubt responsible for humankind’s continued quest for new and unusual locations in which to have sex. 2. In lengthier, more established relationships (see also: marriage), a rapid, efficient bout of intercourse that confirms the physical aspect of the relationship without interfering with the viewing of Grey’s Anatomy.

  R

  Random, adjective

  An adjective that doubles as an interjection and is used almost exclusively by a female to express mild consternation or rejection, or to comment on the unexpectedness of an event or piece of information. For example, “I just found out that, even though I’m in IT, I have to go to this sales conference down by the airport. How random is that?” And, conversely, “So he comes up to me while I’m dancing with my friends and shouts that we used to take our dogs to the same groomer. Random!”

  Rebound, noun

  Also known as a human landing pad, a rebound is a person with whom you have a relationship when you are still emotionally crippled from a recent breakup. After all, what better way to take your mind off your broken heart than to immerse yourself in the giddy beginnings of a brand new love? So what if he is the opposite of your type and you occasionally call him by the wrong name? He could grow to share your passion for ice hockey and you think his patio herb garden
is really, really cute. Forget the naysayers! This could be the one rebound that goes the distance! (Laughing? No, we’re not laughing. Absolutely not. *snort*)

  Recessionista, noun

  Frugal and creative, the recessionista laughs in the face of financial downturns and refuses to let a gloomy economic forecast overshadow her personal style. Abandon fashion just because you have less to spend? Embrace the notion that life must be dreary because the stock market has stumbled? “Never!” says the recessionista. Using the fierceness of the -ista suffix as a springboard (see also: -ista), the recessionista takes joy in teaching others how to get the most out of life while shooting the economy the bird.

  Registry, noun

  A detailed list of items at a particular store that you would like your friends and family to purchase for you. Gift registries are most often created in connection with a wedding, and the process of compiling this “wish list” can serve as the first test of a couple’s decision-making dynamic as well as stamina. While providing guests with gentle guidance toward desired gifts and away from the horrid, crapful things people tend to buy when left unsupervised, the rigorous psycho-social process of registering can unearth troubling tendencies within even the most solid of couples. Seriously, who knew when you accepted that ring that you were making a lifetime commitment to a man who loves triangular dinner plates?

  Remaining Friends, noun

  Cousin to “It’s Not You, It’s Me,” the concept of remaining friends after a breakup is a popular one, the goal of which is to contain the emotional carnage of the separation. Most often employed in a breakup after which you are going to have to keep seeing/dealing with your ex (for example, he is a coworker or an integral member of your circle of friends), the invocation of the remaining friends clause allows you to claim the high moral ground. In effect, it officially establishes that you are willing to look past the breakup and honor the nonromantic aspects of the relationship, and if your ex is not mature enough to do the same, well, then who can blame you for not inviting him to your shipwreck-themed birthday buffet?

  Rescue Call, noun

  A prearranged phone call designed to give the receiver a plausible “out” during a potentially horrific experience such as a blind date or family holiday. First, you arrange for a trusted friend to call you at an appointed time, making certain that this time falls after having gotten a good look at your potential date/before your parents drain their second pitcher of martinis and start asking about that promotion they think you got. Then, when you receive the call, you release your inner actress and exclaim in horror at the fake news delivered by the caller (extra points for biting your knuckle or performing a classic sitcom spit-take on the people at the next table). After hanging up, make a hasty exit, taking care to stay in character until you are out of sight because although they know you are lying, they appreciate the courtesy of a sincere performance.

  Residual Girlfriend, noun

  The annoying physical and/or emotional detritus that lingers from a previous relationship. Like that gray-brown stuff that hangs on in the corner of the shower stall no matter how hard you dig at it with your scrubby brush, the remains of previous relationships can be impossible to eradicate. As a result, you may find residual girlfriend cropping up in the form of a coffee mug, a photograph in the back of a drawer, even a personal joke that he tries his best to bring you into but which, considering it’s just more residual girlfriend that has to be scrubbed away, is not funny. Seriously, so not funny.

  Retail Endurance, noun

  The ability to shop and/or browse for the long haul. Like the dedicated marathon runner, the retail enthusiast takes her avocation seriously and trains accordingly. After all, retail endurance is not acquired overnight as anyone who has cramped up just short of the entrance to Ann Taylor will tell you. The key to retail endurance is dedication to an intense, methodical training regimen that consistently pushes you to surpass your personal best and find that second wind to hit one more store, browse one more rack. Sure, there are times when you want to quit’to get your Panda Express to go and eat it in the car, throbbing feet up on the dash. But you don’t quit, because you know that only the shopper who digs in for that last, excruciating checkout gets called up to The Show. That’s right: the Mall of America.

  Revirginization, noun

  Wait, you can do this?!? [ahem] Revirginization is a medical procedure during which the remains of the thin membrane of skin that originally blocked the opening of the vaginal vault (see also: hymen) are surgically sewn back together to once again obscure this precious passageway. This procedure is often performed in an effort to give visual evidence of adherence to particular religious beliefs, however, it remains up to the individual to provide convincing vocal evidence of said adherence.

  Rhythm Method, noun

  A broad term that includes a variety of calendar-based contraception methods, the efficacy of which is second only to crossing your fingers and toes. Developed for couples who do not want to use more “official” birth control methods, but who also would rather not have another baby (at least not this month), the rhythm method attempts to predict a woman’s fertility based on counting the days before and after her menstrual cycle. Unfortunately, there is a significant margin for error’as well as babies’with this particular method.

  Robotic Vacuum, noun

  A popular household device that looks like a cross between a hubcap and a hovercraft and that will scare the liquid jeebus out of you if you arrive home and forget that you turned it loose in your house before you left. Like your Great Aunt Edna, the affable robotic vacuum likes to help out by picking up a few things here and there, but will always wait until you’ve settled into the bathroom with the latest issue of Vanity Fair before thumping on the door in need of guidance.

  S

  Saddlebags, noun

  Saddlebags, also known as “mud flaps,” are the fleshy fat pads that extend from the backs and outer sides of the thighs and are reminiscent of the leather carrying pouches hung across the backs of horses, such as those used by Pony Express riders. Although often maligned, saddlebags serve several useful, often discounted purposes. These include creating ideal conditions to attract a man who “likes a little something to hold on to,” making the butt appear smaller by contrast, and eliminating the need to carry a troublesome stadium cushion when attending sporting events.

  Scooter, noun

  A short skirt with a pair of attached shorts hidden underneath. Certainly one of the sneakier outer garments on the market today (there are dozens of sneaky undergarments, of course), the scooter is cute, youthful, and, when the shizzle goes down, allows the wearer to lash out with a wicked roundhouse kick while keeping her drawers under wraps. Not to be confused with the skort (see also: skort), the scooter keeps its inner shorts a secret for all of its 360 degrees. Deceptively sweet, this garment means business and, when in the company of a scooter-wearing woman, it’s wise to keep one’s back to the wall.

  Scrimmage Marriage, noun

  Also known as the starter marriage, the scrimmage marriage is a short-term, initial marriage that most often involves a young couple and may or may not be undertaken with an air of romantic impetuousness. Increasingly common throughout the country, it is virtually a requirement in certain states (see also: California). Although some people look back on their scrimmage marriages with a philosophical view, grateful for the opportunity to absorb a few VLLs (valuable life lessons), others would prefer to purge their memories of the experience from their minds, along with their memories of hernia surgery and that time they made the racial profiling joke in the airport security line at JFK.

  Scrunchie, noun

  A stretchy, fabric-covered hair tie that, though extremely popular, is derided by some women as tacky. Once rarely seen outside the steamy confines of the aerobics studio, the humble scrunchie quickly morphed into new and exciting forms, including the velvet scrunchie, chiffon scrunchie, and scrunchie with dangling shiny things on it. The scr
unchie then became a hairdo staple in the workplace and at special events before skyrocketing into popularity and eventually experiencing the backlash that inevitably follows popular success.

  Fun fact If your cranium is small enough, you can use a scrunchie as a headband.

  Secondary Virginity, noun

  The practice of halting sexual activity and making a promise to oneself not to engage in intercourse again until after marriage. A different concept than revirginization (see also: revirginization), a surgical procedure in which the hymen is carefully reconstructed across the vaginal opening, secondary virginity instead involves the reconstruction of the “emotional hymen” in the form of a resolute conviction to abstain from sex until it can be enjoyed within the bonds of matrimony (whereupon you may eventually revisit the notion of abstention, but for entirely different reasons).

  Security Clearance, noun

  A ranking scale that measures the intimacy of a friendship by the degree of personal information divulged to that friend. For example, the receptionist at your office might have Level One security clearance, meaning that she knows your car and that you have a boyfriend, but not whether the car is paid for and how you met the boyfriend. Your former college roommate’s Level Five clearance, however, indicates that she not only knows that you’re two car payments behind, but that you’re about to dump the boyfriend because of that thing he does in bed with his thumb. Note: security clearance levels are most often identical between close friends, as mutual destruction capability has proven to be an invaluable component in long-term female friendships.

  Seven-Day Cleanse, noun

  This phrase strikes terror in the heart of any woman who’s used to eating, well, food. That’s because the process of the seven-day cleanse is to whittle down the amount of food entering the body’or suddenly eliminate it altogether’and replace it with water, tea, or another beverage that is specially formulated to make you rethink whether having a hazmat site for a colon is really such a bad thing after all. Oh, sure, they tell you that by day five you don’t notice how hungry you are because you’re too busy enjoying the hallucinations, but in our opinion, if we’re going to spend the weekend lying face-down in the driveway, we’d rather the cause be the toxins we put in our bodies, not the ones we’re trying to flush out.