The Chicktionary Page 12

  Over-the-Knee Boots, noun

  No longer just for sword-fighting cats, over-the-knee boots can be seen on everyone from fourth graders to soccer moms to seniors kickin’ it in Denny’s at 6:00 a.m. on a Tuesday. We’re not saying we’re happy about it, but those are the facts. Much like leather pants (see also: leather pants), over-the-knee boots are ideally suited for a very slender segment of the general population. A segment so slender, in fact, that if it turned sideways you wouldn’t be able to see it

  at all.

  P

  Pageant Hair, noun

  A notoriously rigid, voluminous hairdo that looks like an excessively “fixed” arrangement rather than a casual, everyday style. Named for the furiously teased and sprayed hair helmets that were seen on the beauty contest circuit in decades past and can still occasionally be seen today, pageant hair attracts attention from its combination of theatricality and retro fierceness. It’s worth noting that, whereas intentional pageant hair takes both applied effort and applied hair spray, you can inadvertently create a style that is pageant-adjacent simply by overteasing, cross-combing, and/or spritzing on one too many clouds of hair spray. In the event of accidental pageant hair, stylists advise that you embrace your creation, select your wardrobe accordingly, and work it.

  Panticlimber, noun

  Also known as a “parade float,” this is a term for a pantiliner that, for one reason or another, has come unstuck from its assigned spot in the crotch of the panties and has meandered upward into a new, nonapproved location. The release of a panticlimber is often the result of strenuous athletic activity such as basketball or volleyball. The adhesion of the beached pantiliner to the skin in its new location can cause considerable discomfort, the symptoms of which can include a marked decrease in athletic performance, repeated attempts at clothing adjustment, and a noticeably altered gait.

  Pantiliner, noun

  If the maxi pad is an aircraft carrier, the pantiliner (also known as a panty liner or the more warlike panty shield) is a canoe. Slender and lightweight, the pantiliner clings to the gusset (WTF?) of your undies like a fond memory’barely there but reassuring nonetheless.

  Fun fact Many forms of feminine protection are available in nondisposable cloth that can be laundered and reused (see also: this is where more than one woman’s environmentalism gets thrown right out of the van). Also, for the sake of accuracy, we are required to include the words “scented,” “discharge,” and “incontinence” in this definition, but we’re not happy about it.

  Panty Lines, noun

  Also known as “visible panty lines,” these are the traces of your underwear elastic that can be seen through the fabric of your pants or skirt, alerting observers as to the exact style and location of said drawers. As if that weren’t mortifying enough, panty lines also perform a second disservice by pressing into all but the hardest of bun cheeks and, by dividing them into freeform segments, highlighting any squishiness thereof. Panty lines can be eradicated by the application of a thong (see also: thong) or, if a scorched-earth approach is preferred, going commando (see also: commando).

  Parentheses, noun

  Named for their resemblance to the punctuation pair often seen in English sentences (like this), “parentheses” is plastic surgery slang for the set of curved lines that often appears near the sides of a woman’s mouth. Impossible to camouflage with makeup (see also: spackle), parentheses are most effectively counteracted with injectable “fillers.” It’s worth noting that you do not have to speak parenthetically in order to earn a pair of these creases, nor do you have to exhibit even a rudimentary understanding of punctuation marks and their uses.

  Pashmina, noun

  People just love to say “pashmina.” Why? Because it makes them sound fancy. Whether or not you agree, you have to admit that the term is preferable to the generic “wrap” and certainly to the geriatric “shawl.” This rectangular accessory, which is available in an almost infinite combination of sizes, colors, and patterns, can add a touch of feminine elegance to even the most tragic of outfits. Technically, a pashmina is supposed to be cashmere, but once you cut the tags off, who’s to know?

  Pearls, noun

  Pearls, particularly in necklace form, comprise one of the most iconic categories of jewelry ever conceived. So iconic, in fact, that they deliver a single unwavering message: respectability. Oh, sure, you can plaster diamonds onto a skull and people will say “edgy,” but you slide a few pearls onto a necklace made of human teeth and suddenly someone’s wearing it with a St. John knit suit to a Junior League meeting and no one bats an eye.

  Pedicure, noun

  If done correctly, the pedicure is like sex for your feet: a stimulating yet relaxing interlude during which someone is completely focused on delivering pleasure to your body or a targeted portion thereof. If done incorrectly, the pedicure is like sending your feet to a women’s prison where you are expected to tip the warden. Keeping this in mind, it is crucial to select a quality pedicure provider, as for every toasty sea salt and lotus-blossom soak tub there is an equal and opposite dingy plastic pan filled with a tepid broth of dishwashing soap.

  Pencil Skirt, noun

  Named for its straight, slender silhouette, the pencil skirt is a very popular garment with women who appreciate classic, body-skimming style. It’s worth noting, however, that unless you’re buying the skirt for your twelve-year-old son, you can expect to make a trip to the tailor because, as a rule, women are not shaped like pencils.

  Fun fact The pencil skirt was known as the “H-line” skirt for about five minutes back in the forties. Unofficial garment of hot librarians everywhere, the pencil skirt almost demands that you wear your hair in a stern bun until the opportunity presents itself to shake it loose to the accompaniment of some shicka-BOW music.

  Pencil Test, noun

  A simple, at-home method for assessing the buoyancy and/or altitude of your breasts. Remove clothing, then gently lift one (1) of your breasts. With your free hand, hold a pencil against your chest at the base of your breast, parallel with your waistband. Release your breast and then release the pencil as well. The pencil will either be held in place by the fold of the breast or it will clatter to the floor. What do these results mean? We have no idea. We’re not even sure why we’re doing this test in the first place. We were just curious.

  Perfume, noun

  An aromatic concoction worn by many women which, when applied with restraint, creates a pleasing fragrance experience for those in close proximity. Applied too liberally, however, perfume becomes a nasal assault weapon, with collateral damage to the eyes and even taste buds of those within striking distance. The exact footprint of a perfuming varies with atmospheric pressure, prevailing winds, and, of course, the brand of the fragrance in question. Lighter, fruity scents tend to dissipate within a reasonable amount of time, whereas heavy florals and musks have been known to render elevator lobbies unusable for an entire afternoon.

  Perfume Spritzer, noun

  We’ve all seen them in the cosmetics department, those women strategically stationed next to makeup counters and lurking behind garish displays, ready to leap from cover like overly accessorized ninjas and nail passersby with an unwelcome stream of Musky Orchid Grenade or whatever scent they happen to be hawking. Sociologists have long marveled at the persistence of this practice, which is openly reviled by consumers and which turns a pleasant afternoon of shopping into an evolutionary exercise as the spritzers take down the slower, weaker members of the retail herd while only the crafty and fleet-of-foot make it to the escalator and the safety of the housewares department beyond.

  Period, noun

  A woman’s monthly menstrual cycle (see also: Aunt Flo, Festival of Menses). Damn, it’s great to be a woman. And, so you don’t forget just how great it is, your body reminds you each month by trying to eject a portion of your insides onto your new white pants. The downside of this arrangement is obvious. The upside, however, is that if you can go about your business
’earning a living, holding up your end of your relationships, laughing, helping others, etc.’while spending a quarter of that time bleeding voluminously and never letting on, well, lady, you can do anything.

  Perm, noun

  An abbreviation of “permanent wave,” the term refers to an ancient hair treatment process that is still in use in remote areas of the United States. The application of the perm involves winding the hair tightly onto small spools then soaking the hair and scalp in a broth of chemicals that smells like the missing Easter egg your dog found two months later behind the gardening shed. Once released from the curlers, the hair takes on the texture of electrified mattress stuffing and retains this quality until it is eventually sheared off following a rocky “growing-out period.” Perms can be classified in two categories: the “salon perm” and a particularly virulent strain known as the “home perm.”

  Pilates, noun

  Developed in Germany in the early twentieth century, Pilates is a system of physical training that emphasizes smooth, controlled movements and development of core strength through the use of equipment that looks like it belongs in the back room of a large-

  animal veterinarian. Designer Joseph Pilates dubbed his fitness method Contrology and stressed the importance of the mind-body connection, particularly in the form of intense mental concentration during each exercise. Hey, someone should make an app for that! Wait, what were we talking about?

  Pinky, noun

  Of all your fingers, the pinkies are by far the snootiest, each holding approximately 48 percent of your body’s superiority (the remaining 4 percent residing in the tip of your nose). Studies have shown that merely by raising either pinky to half-staff, your social judgment threat level (as perceived by neutral observers) doubles. A pinky that is hoisted to the full vertical position as an accompaniment to other gestures such as sipping a beverage (see also: high tea) more than quintuples your fanciness and puts others on notice that you probably also know about things like thank-you notes and doilies.

  Plumber’s Crack, noun

  Like a total eclipse, a woman cannot resist looking at it even though she knows it will scorch her retinas. It also exists in variant forms such as electrician’s crack, moving man’s crack, painter’s crack, etc. Believed to have originated hundreds of years ago with the rise of tradesman house calls, the plumber’s crack was once prized as a measure of a man’s standing in the tool belt-wearing community. These days, however, plumber’s crack has fallen out of favor (especially with the women who always seem to be on the receiving end of it) and anti-crack advancements such as the extra-long T-shirt have been introduced to combat it, although with mixed success.

  PMS, acronym

  An acronym that stands for “potentially murderous situation” and is often used in reference to the exciting period of hormonal transition that a woman may experience from one to forty-seven days preceding her monthly period. As each woman’s system adheres to its own slight variations in hormonal levels and cyclic schedules, the outward array of possible PMS symptoms varies and may include any of the following: 1) a mild short temper that people make a big deal about but which is actually such a minor thing, 2) spontaneous eruptions of explosive crying, 3) silent but ominous condemnation, and 4) sudden obsession with household chores such as gun-cleaning. A number of over-the-counter medications exist to help counteract the symptoms associated with PMS, however, research has shown that the most effective remedy is for everyone that person comes in contact with to stop being such a jackalope wang.

  Pole Dancing, noun

  A raunchy form of erotic dance in which a nude or semi-nude woman writhes around a vertical metal pole. Popularized by Eleanor Roosevelt during her tenure as First Lady of … [ahem] Could you excuse us for just a moment, please? [elevator music] All right, we’re back and we’d like to introduce Leticia, our new research intern. So. Pole dancing. A popular form of erotic entertainment at strip clubs and bachelor parties, pole dancing has also made modest headway into the female commercial mainstream as both a “workout” and a “confidence-booster” (see also: interesting blisters).

  Poncho, noun

  What is it about a poncho? What does that question even mean? Anyway, a poncho is like a tarp for a person’you throw it on, pop your head through the hole, and most everything is covered. The poncho is one of those timeless pieces of clothing that, although it becomes trendy every so often, it never truly goes out of style, particularly if it’s made from something swanky like cashmere. Bonus features of the poncho include the ease of hiding things under it (see also: pooch) and that it may come with pom-poms that bounce around like crazy when you run.

  Pooch, noun

  A misleadingly affectionate name for the hateful bulge that lingers just below the navel of most women. Stubborn as all hell, the pooch has been known to fight off even the most aggressive of personal trainers as well as starvation diets that would have Gandhi dialing Domino’s. Not content simply to create an unsightly bulge that immediately draws the eye and generates questions about any “big news” you may be preparing to announce, the pooch may also, without provocation, suddenly inflate like an airplane’s evacuation slide, leaving you immersed in regret for gorging on that extra lettuce leaf at lunch.

  Poof, noun

  A tumorous-looking mound of hair that sits on or near the crown of the head and which, while adding (sometimes significantly) to your height, also increases your wind resistance thus potentially lowering your gas mileage. Although the contemporary poof has been around for decades, it has experienced a resurgence in recent years due to its exposure on the heads of several reality television stars. The poof can be formed through vigorous and repetitive teasing of the hair while applying an industrial-strength hair adhesive or, for those who work in the vicinity of an open flame, through the insertion of a commercial hair-lifting device (see also: Bump-It).

  Popped Collar, noun

  An expression that refers to the practice of wearing the collar of a tennis or polo-style shirt in the vertical position so that it stands straight up around the wearer’s neck (see also: preppy). The often-maligned popped collar appears periodically among many geographic and socioeconomic groups, and its precise social meaning varies greatly with its particular context. Although some popped-collar enthusiasts emphasize the sun-blocking benefits provided by the upturned fabric, others consider it a mark of status, and still others flip their collars up as a way of taking a stand against those who say they may not. Some popped-collar extremists are known to wear multiple polo shirts, flipping all of the collars up in a series. As colorful as this is, it looks pretty uncomfortable.

  Pop Tart, noun

  1. A term used to describe a female pop star whose outrageous attire, partying, promiscuity, or antics have eclipsed her singing career. The pop tart label is most often applied to those young women who are in the midst of this transition and about whom everyone is feigning shock that they are not turning out to be the role models everyone thought they were. The fully loaded pop tart comes complete with an assortment of aggressively dysfunctional, publicity-hungry relatives. 2. A delightful toaster pastry.

  Pores, noun

  The gajillions of tiny openings in your facial skin that, if inspected under magnification, will make you want to wear a pillowcase over your head the next time you leave the house. Ranging in diameter from microscopic to large enough to stub out a cigarette in, the governing principle of facial pores is the same as it is for horse jockeys: the smaller the better. Although they serve an important function for the skin that’s too boring to mention here, the bottom line is that no one wants to see them and if we have to pucker them up with facial masks (see also: facial mask) or spackle them into oblivion with an array of cosmetic products created solely for that purpose then, by God, we will.

  Precious Flower, noun

  Euphemism for female virginity (see also: virgin, hymen) as exemplified in the following sentence: “I love Derek and he’s been so patient with me that
last night I finally gave him my precious flower.” As the genus and species of the precious flower are not specified in this expression, it is presumed that a female may select the blossom of her choice when bestowing it on a deserving recipient. Note: this term is used almost exclusively by females, as males tend to draw their virginity euphemisms more from the fruit-and-berry realm.

  Pregame, verb

  Named for the rituals that herald the beginning of an athletic competition, to pregame is to drink at home or some other nonevent location in preparation for attendance at a party or social occasion. Looked down upon by some as a practice that indicates possible alcohol dependency, many view pregaming as a helpful method of social and mental preparation, particularly for a get-together that is anticipated to be emotionally challenging for some reason. For example, a woman who is the last remaining single person in her circle might pregame for a friend’s baby shower in order to withstand all the well-meaning comments she’s going to get about how lucky she is still to have her “independence.”

  Preggers, adjective

  Loaded with subtext, the term preggers means much more than simply “pregnant.” Like its cousin “preggo,” describing a woman as preggers almost always carries with it a slight sneer, a whiff of snark. The use of the preggers label hints at an unspecified unattractiveness resulting from the pregnancy, and it most definitely insinuates bloating. These two terms would likely be reserved for women who are or have been in a position adverse to you (see also: stepwife, residual girlfriend, skank, frenemy) or whom you overheard at the company picnic dissing your jorts (see also: jorts).