The Chicktionary Page 8

  Happy Trail, noun

  Unlike the dusty path into cowboy sunset of which Roy Rogers sang, this brand of happy trail can be found on many men’s torsos (and we’re guessing that most of them would rather you not tread on it with your horse). The happy trail, also known as the treasure trail, is the path of hair that starts anywhere in the mid-tummy area and extends down past the belly button until it eventually merges with the pubic hair. Hikers should be aware that there can be great variances in terrain among happy trails that can include shifts in vegetation from sparse to dense, sudden changes in incline of the trail, and unexpected increases in humidity.

  Hard-to-Get, adjective

  How you’re supposed to play. The opposite of overeager (see also: overeager), playing hard-to-get is, according to conventional wisdom, the way to pique a man’s interest in you. This strategy works because men love something called “the chase,” and if you make their pursuit of you too easy, well, that takes the fun out of it. (Hey, we don’t make the rules’we’re just passing them along.)

  Fun fact It’s possible to play the hard-to-get game a little too well (see also: eye gouge), which can result in the man’s confidence being irreparably crushed, at which point he will think you’re just plain mean.

  Harem Pants, noun

  Putting the traditional dress of various geographic and ethnic groups aside, harem pants refers to the contemporary version of this skirt-that-thinks-it’s-pants garment. Worn most notably’and to great effect’in recent decades by musician MC Hammer (who launched the term “Hammer pants” into popular vernacular), harem pants proved themselves to be perhaps the most unrestricting yet eye-catching dancewear since the birthday suit. Though only a fool would call the Hammer’s pants judgment into question, the success of harem pants as an appealing item of clothing on the average male or female remains a subject of heated debate.

  Hatred and Retribution, noun

  A crucial period following a breakup in which you move from a place of wounded mourning into a bitter yet therapeutic place of realizing your ex is an asshead crapweasel. The hatred and retribution phase is marked by a spectrum of behaviors including, but not limited to: 1) defacing photographs, 2) squinting off into the distance while shaking your head and snarling, and 3) posting your ex’s phone number in various anti-U.S. rant forums known to be under surveillance by Homeland Security. It’s worth noting that you cannot reach the magical state of “closure” without passing through hatred and retribution and, although you’d like to think of yourself as someone who’s above that sort of thing, we both know that’s not the case.

  Hawt, adjective

  An affected spelling and pronunciation of the word “hot” associated with teens and tweens as well as those of more advanced age who would like to be identified with youth culture. A popular term in texting, hawt is used to indicate extreme hotness, also described as attractiveness. It is worth noting that, with the appropriate sneering delivery, hawt can take on an opposite meaning and become a term of derision, as in, “Oh, my, look at Krysta’s new mom jeans. Hawt.”

  Headache, noun

  Undoubtedly one of the most versatile and effective of the potentially fake maladies, the headache has been a friend to womankind for thousands, wait, make that millions of years. (It may not have been discovered yet, but somewhere in the world there exists a cave painting that depicts a frowning woman wearing a bear skin and gesturing at her head while a dejected-looking man points longingly at their Stone Age sofa bed.) The truth is that sometimes women, just like men, simply aren’t into it. (Okay, this may be the case slightly more often for women than for men.) On these occasions, a woman may feel that pleading a headache is gentler on her partner’s feelings than saying that she’s not in the mood.

  Fun fact Some women’s headaches are actually real.

  Headband, noun

  Not to be confused with either the decorative accessory or the functional, sweat-absorbing counterpart worn on the forehead, the headband is a rigid, U-shaped implement that rides across the top of the head with the purpose of holding the hair away from the face. In addition to this practical use, the headband ostensibly serves a decorative, fashion function as well, although no reliable evidence exists to support this theory. Available in a spectacular selection of colors, widths, and materials, the much-maligned but hardworking headband took what may have been a terminal image hit when Hillary Clinton made bulky, fabric-covered headbands her signature hair accessory, unleashing from the formerly docile headband-haters a torrent of criticism that continues to this day.

  High Tea, noun

  Also known in the abbreviated form of simply “tea,” this is a traditional female get-together at a hotel or tea room during which women drink various blends of tea, consume miniature sandwiches and/or scones, and exchange tidbits of polite conversation while pretending that 1) they do this crap all the time, and 2) they’re not the one who just valeted the Hyundai with the kitty litter spilled all over the driver’s seat. High tea is one of those occasions when you can get your My Fair Lady on (see also: pinky) by wearing something feminine and demure, sitting up straight, and doing your best not to use words that include the suffix “-sucker.”

  High-Waisted Jeans, noun

  A vintage style of denim pants that existed for centuries before the perfection of modern waist-lowering technology, thus freeing women from jeans that made their bottoms look as tall as Trump Tower. Although popular culture has embraced low-waisted jeans, which have stayed in fashion since their introduction, there remain pockets of women across the United States who have rejected the low-waist trend, apparently preferring the lifestyle that comes with a fourteen-inch fly and belt loops that are so high on the torso they can double as a push-up bra.

  Himbo, noun

  Slang term for a male who is judged to be, as the expression goes, “easy on the eyes,” but falls considerably (okay, epically) short of being an intellectual powerhouse. A rogue masculine form of the word “bimbo,” both himbo and its female counterpart are lousy, stinkin’ stereotypes based on physical appearance and, as such, we are officially appalled that you would even consider including them in your vocabulary. If, however, you are basing your categorization on significant firsthand experience that includes multiple, unsuccessful attempts at meaningful conversation with the male in question, well, then just sit back and enjoy the view as your himbo tries to explain what happened on the last episode of Jersey Shore.

  Hipster, noun

  The very essence of in-between-ness, the hipster is neither thong nor granny panty, but rather something … in the middle. Will it give you panty lines? It might and it might not. Does it poke out above the tops of your jeans? Depends on just how low-cut your jeans are. Is there a significant likelihood of wedgie with the hipster? Hard to say. There could be, but then again, you might be all right on that. Are you commitment-phobic? The hipster may very well be your drawers Nirvana.

  Hitler ’Stache, noun

  An unfortunately named pubic topiary design that consists of a small, neatly groomed square or rectangle of hair on the mons. Not to be confused with the landing strip, the Hitler ’stache looks more like your landing strip has been cut short and you’d be lucky to set a helicopter down on that tiny patch of turf. Named for its resemblance to the icky little mustache favored by the infamous twentieth-century dictator and sociopath, this may be the waxing style most in need of an image makeover. As small as the ’stache may be, it still provides a last outpost of hair, canceling out the prepubescent girl/shaved cat comparisons that can be troubling to both men and women.

  Honeymoon, noun

  The term for the vacation that a newlywed couple takes immediately following their wedding, honeymoon has a number of charming historical origins that no one cares about. What we do care about is that your mother stayed sober through almost the entire ceremony, no one seemed to notice that the flowers on the cake were brown, the maid of honor promised not to post the photos from the bachelorette party on
Facebook, and everyone seemed to buy the story that your tux pants were six inches too short because it was Tom Ford’s new “Capri tux.” Damn, we need a vacation.

  Hoo Haa, noun

  This term, with its various spellings, holds the distinction of being by far the most jubilant of the euphemisms coined for female genitalia. In fact, enthusiastic delivery of this term is sometimes enough on its own to incite a spontaneous orgy (or rodeo, depending). Generally regarded as a nonderogatory term, hoo haa is frequently used by women seeking a cute, generalized shorthand that can be spoken in polite company when the discussion turns to, um, one’s genitals.

  Hormones, noun

  Your body’s natural angel dust, hormones call the shots whether you want to admit it or not. They run your biological clock, mess with your complexion, inflate your butt, hang up on your boyfriend, and drive your car to the hatchet store with you in it.

  Fun fact Women are allowed to gripe about the various challenges that come with the female reproductive system and the accompanying collateral damage thereof. Men, however, are not. Of course, hormones also do some pretty amazing things, too. Someone has probably written them down somewhere. Maybe you could Google it.

  Hot Flash, noun

  A delightful and exciting side effect of menopause (see also: menopause) and/or perimenopause (don’t ask) that involves a sudden, extreme increase in body temperature that lasts, on average, anywhere from two to thirty minutes. Side effects of the hot flash can include the rapid appearance of a significant amount of perspiration, heart palpitations, and reddish flushing of the skin (spawning the corollary term “hot flush”). Women who exhibit these symptoms exclusively while sleeping get to use the even less appealing term “night sweats” to describe the experience. Nonmedical side effects of hot flashes can include swearing, repetitive showering, heightened dry-cleaning expenditures, and general bitterness.

  Hot Glue Gun, noun

  Crafts weapon of choice for millions of women (and approximately two dozen men), the hot glue gun is one of the most reliable and versatile tools to be found in your home (see also: vibrator). Effective at securing everything from the sequins on your baton to the trim on your hatchback, glue guns come in many models and sizes to suit your particular needs. Although many women view crafts with extreme suspicion and/or derision and swear up and down that they would never even consider owning a hot glue gun, scientists predict that by March 28, 2019, you will have one whether you want it or not. Yes, eventually the hot glue gun’like the rhythm’is gonna get you.

  Hot Mess, noun

  A term that is used when it’s simply not enough to say that someone is a mess, and a modifier is necessary to indicate that the mess in question has been heated to a temperature sufficient to make it critical. The hot mess is in crisis on all fronts simultaneously and this fact is evident even to the most casual observer. Hallmarks of the hot mess can include, but are in no way even remotely limited to: 1) tear-streaked face (with or without streaming mascara), 2) wringing hands, 3) loud and/or shrill voice, 4) full-body agitation, and 5) repetitive asking of questions that have no sane answers.

  Hymen, noun

  Also known as the “flap heard ’round the world,” the hymen is the thin membrane of skin that can be found’or not’across the opening of a female’s vagina. For a large portion of human history, the presence of an intact hymen has been used as evidence of virginity (see also: virgin, revirginization). The truth of the matter, however, is that this in an entirely inaccurate method as the hymen is extremely delicate and can be torn or dislodged through a variety of nonsexual activities such as vigorous interpretive dance, camel-racing, or even, let’s face it, a really good sneeze.

  Hyperdating, noun

  The contemporary practice of dating a large number of people in a short period of time in order to accelerate the process of finding a long-term mate. Serious hyperdaters can find themselves going on seven or more first dates per week as they rapidly cycle through their local inventory of available partners while streamlining their personal checklist of compatibility requirements. Note: although the terms sound similar, hyperdating is not to be confused with speed dating, which involves a furious, round-robin style pitchfest during which participants are given only moments to sell the stranger across from them on the merits of their [ding!]’we’re sorry, we’re out of time for this definition, but here’s our number because we think you’re really cute.

  I

  I Hate You, phrase

  This is one of those expressions that is, as they say, all in the delivery. If spoken in a menacing or even straightforward manner, its meaning is, well, pretty clear. If, on the other hand, it’s exclaimed by one female to another with a seemingly warm or jovial inflection, it becomes a complex expression of admiration and/or envy. An example of this more subtle use of the phrase might be: “Omigod, that dress makes you look so skinny! I hate you!” It’s important to realize that when someone uses this expression with you she actually does, in some small way, hate you.

  Implant Impalement, noun

  The unintentional discomfort inflicted when receiving an especially boisterous hug from a woman who has breast implants and who has not made adjustments in her hugging style that take the new firmness of her chest into account. An increasingly common occurrence in today’s society, the severity of implant impalement can be ranked on a pain scale from A to DD, though some argue that the degree of distress is not correlated to cup size. Although almost everyone appreciates a good, solid hug, incidents of implant impalement are spurring the creation of new, defensive hugging maneuvers such as the Arm’s Length, the Do-Si-Do, and the Left-Right Fake.

  Impotence, noun

  The physical inability of a man to achieve an erection sufficient for sexual intercourse (see also: it happens to everyone). Impotence can strike a man anytime, but it’s widely agreed that pretty much the worst time is when that man is trying to have sex. With you. Yes, that’s definitely the worst time. Anyway, men are super sensitive about this condition, which means you are going to have to tap dance your little heart out to convince him it’s not a big deal and he is still every bit the strapping test pilot/lumberjack/cowboy you’ve always thought he was. In addition to the touchstone “It happens to everyone,” other useful phrases you can whip out (don’t say “whip out,” btw) include “You’re too much for me anyway” and “I just love cuddling.”

  Internet Spouse, noun

  A nickname for the person you spend the most time connecting with on the Internet, either directly through e-mail, or via social media such as Facebook and Twitter. More than just a casual web friend, your Internet spouse is someone with whom you have robust daily contact that is second only to your daily communications with your IRL (in real life) partner or spouse. Whether or not it carries romantic overtones, this category of relationship offers a number of advantages, including a minimal personal hygiene requirement, never having to pretend to fight for the check, and the ability to claim ISP difficulties if you don’t feel like talking with him.

  Investment Piece, noun

  If you’re like most people, this phrase scares the crap out of you. As it should. Traditionally, investments are supposed to be things like real estate, not some iconic handbag that is likely to be splattered with Jamba Juice three days after you get your hands on it. It sure sounds nice, though, doesn’t it? “Oh, this? Yes, this is my new raincoat. It’s an investment piece, you know. See the plaid lining? It cost bank. Yes, I know it’s sunny today. You don’t think I’m going to wear this thing in the rain, do you?”

  -ista, suffix

  A very handy feminine suffix that can be attached to almost any noun with the effect of amplifying its meaning beyond its original proportions while also implying an additional level of fierceness. The presence of -ista reminds the reader/listener that the noun in question is a force to be reckoned with and is prepared to take you down at the first hint of disrespect. Think about it for a moment: would you rather list your home
with a realtor … or a realtorista?

  It Bag, noun

  This term was coined in the nineties when designers realized that the sport of competitive purse-carrying was spreading from the realm of the wealthy and into the ranks of the everyday shopper willing to plunk down the equivalent of a mortgage payment or more for the privilege of toting the fetish accessory of the moment. Exemplified by such models as the Louis Vuitton Speedy, Hermes Birkin, and Fendi Spy, the it bag craze has largely gone underground in the wake of recent, large-scale economic challenges and resulting New Austerity, which dictates that it’s currently cool to show one’s support for those folks facing hard times by pretending to carry “regular” handbags.

  It Happens to Everyone, phrase

  One of two essential phrases that every woman must know (see also: size doesn’t matter), “It happens to everyone” has been credited with salvaging many an evening, not to mention entire marriages. Although this phrase is usually effective in soothing your man’s ego should impotence rear its ugly head (sorry, bad choice of words), there may be times when you need to assuage his feelings of inadequacy by blaming external factors for the unfortunate turn of events. These might include a sudden change in atmospheric pressure, the constant snarling of your roommate’s dachshund outside your bedroom door, or recent sunspot activity. Note: when using this phrase, it’s important not to give the impression that you have firsthand knowledge of it happening to “everyone,” because, trust us, that’s not going to help the situation at all.

  It’s Not You, It’s Me, phrase

  This mammoth whopper is the bedrock of the entire breakup system as we know it. As ridiculous a notion as it is that someone would break up with his partner because of dissatisfaction with himself, this chestnut continues to be called up when the person doing the breaking is trying to spare the feelings of the person being broken’a noble intention, but come on. (Of course, if your boyfriend recently broke up with you and said “It’s not you, it’s me,” well, that’s an obvious exception to the above and we’re sure he totally meant it. You are so much better off without him and also we really like your new perm.) Anyway, just so we’re clear, it is always, always you. It is never me.